Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices . Today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity, but embrace it.
~ Kevyn Aucoin
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I woke up this morning at 5 AM full of nervous energy. I had barely gone to sleep a few hours earlier, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to get myself back to sleep. I could feel the wave of panic coming, and it was so strong I thought I was going to be sick. I can't do this. I could feel it, deep in my gut. I couldn't do this. I wasn't ready. Why had I agreed to this? I suddenly realized I hadn't made any sort of sign for my booth. I felt my stomach seize up in pain. How could I forget something so obvious? How would people know what I was doing? They wouldn't. Therefore, nobody would come. That seemed even worse than the idea that someone would come, and I would have to speak, clearly and confidently, about who I was and what I was doing. I can't do this. I had agreed, a few weeks prior, to lead students in meditation at an event at the local University. This would be my first paid event, and in the weeks leading up to it, I felt grateful and excited. I could do this! Or could I? When I woke up in panic, I kept thinking about how many factors would be beyond my control. I had never led meditations in public before. What if the venue was too loud and no one could hear me? What if my mind went blank and I didn't know what to say? What if I said weird stuff and people walking by heard me? What if... what if... what if.... STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Breathe. I knew the first thing to do was to stop making it all about me. I was showing up to share meditation with college students, hopefully so that their lives would be less stressful and more adventerous, creative and fulfilling. Introducing people to meditaiton could have real, positive long-term benefits. This wasn't about my fears and insecurities. It was about sharing something. Giving away what I know, and receiving first of all payment in return, and second of all a sense of connection and expansion in my journey. I was doing this for them and for me. I would gain something and so would they. But at the same time, I had to remind myself I was not doing this for their approval. Showing up to offer something I believe in is a lot different than showing up so people will tell me they love what I do. I can show up and share. I can't control what happens beyond that. I had to let go of my desire to have a specific result. Whatever happens happens. As I laid in bed I began to repeat the word trust. I trust myself. I trust in this world. I trust the Universe. I trust the forces that brought me this opportunity. I trust in who I am and who I'm becoming. I trust. I trust. I trust. With each reiteration of the word trust I felt better. I began to remember the other things I'd done that had scared me. I had once MC'd a spirituality fair. Each time I got on the microphone to introduce somebody and I heard my voice boom out through the auditorium my mouth would go dry and my eyes widen with panic. I was afraid for the first hour they were going to fire me, which would have been extra horrifying considering I was a volunteer. I had once done an open mic reading of my own work, and while on stage, my whole body visibly shook with fear. I had made YouTube videos, even though I would break out in sweat when I thought about people seeing and hearing me. It's kind of scary to be seen. To be heard. To step into your own light and come out of the shadows. I thought of all those moments, and I imagined I went back to myself then. I hugged myself and told myself, "Thank you." Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being willing to learn and make mistakes. Thank you for being willing to be unsure and vulnerable. Thank you for being unbelievably brave and shaking with fear as you stepped outside your comfort zone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was in the trust. I was in the gratitude. I can do this. I could do this. I would do this. I want to do this, because no matter what happens, it's better than laying in bed all day, dreaming and hoping. Hopes and dreams are beautiful. But there comes a time you have to get out of your pajamas, cast aside the nerves, and make those dreams happen. All it takes is one step after another. Today I will take a step. And one day, many weeks or months or even years from now, I will look back on this and imagine I'm hugging myself, saying, Thank you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for taking a chance on yourself. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Below is a quote from the 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. I'm enjoying the book, but it's not exactly a blueprint for how I want to live my life. However, what I am loving about it is the author's energy, and how he talks about the ability we all have to bend reality to our will. I find that so fascinating, because it reminds me a lot of how Steve Jobs talked about life. Tim has a lot of interesting ideas about life, especially about doing what you value rather than doing what makes you feel you have earned approval. He just believes in what he wants and, as he says, bends reality to make it happen, no matter how crazy. It'd be easy to dismiss this as overly idealistic self-belief if the proof wasn't in the pudding. The very fact that he wrote this book and sold millions of copies of it makes me question what's really possible. This book easily could have bombed. It doesn't scream best seller to me, because it's not like it was researched for years and contains troves of information dug up from an ancient cave in Nepal. Instead, it's just Tim talking about Tim stuff. But truly, he sees what he wants and he goes for it. Or rather, he just seems to command it into existence. I have been thinking this over and asking myself how often I bend to what I consider reality, rather than the other way around. I'm going to give it a try and see what happens if I consider the crazy to be the rationale. What if I skewed my perspective so much that what previously seemed impossible becomes my new standard for normal? It'd be curious to find out! “For all of the most important things, the timing always sucks. Waiting for a good time to quit your job? The stars will never align and the traffic lights of life will never all be green at the same time. The universe doesn't conspire against you, but it doesn't go out of its way to line up the pins either. Conditions are never perfect. 'Someday' is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. Pro and con lists are just as bad. If it's important to you and you want to do it 'eventually,' just do it and correct course along the way.” For most of us, the natural way to work with the Universe is to demurely ask for what we want. When we're children, we're taught to ask politely for things we want or need, because this helps us to become respectful adults. You wouldn't demand your waitress bring you the dish you desire. You would ask politely, "Could I please have the fish?" To just command and demand feels arrogant and rude. But when it comes to getting what we want out of life, this is exactly what we must do. Consider that you are an all-knowing and powerful spiritual being. You can manifest any of your dreams by simply commanding them into being. However, we rarely think of ourselves this way, and we rarely put this energy out. Instead, we ask, "Universe, please please, bring me this. What can I do to get this thing in my life?" And this energy of desperate pleading, this is the energy that says I DON'T HAVE THIS loud and clear. It's the energy that says, I need permission from a higher, bigger source so that It will bless me with this. And this goes directly counter to the energy that says I HAVE THIS and I am a powerful creator, I am loved by the Universe, and that love brings me abundance and miracles and love in endless ways. To simply create, without asking, checking if it's okay, or looking around to see if we're doing it proper, can feel strange and even uncomfortable. To just say I want this, so it shall be, that might feel arrogant, or even greedy. And so to get around this we engage in a rather facetious, if not ridiculous, mental dance. We want something, we know we're ready for it, we can imagine it in our lives, but we believe we must ask in a humble way, and use certain words, and be respectful, grateful, realistic, proper, in alignment, and on and on until we've tricked ourselves into thinking we in fact are not worthy, there's not enough, we're not ready, and so on. We end up circling around and around and forgetting what's at the core of it all - we are energetic beings working with energy. That's all we're doing when we create things into our lives. We're working with energy. So I suggest to you today to drop the pretense. Stop treating the Universe like a chastising parent, and instead, treat it like a partner in your life and creative processes. Treat the Universe like the co-creator that it is. Treat it like an extension of yourself. You wouldn't think, "Left hand, if it doesn't trouble anyone else, and if no one will think poorly of me, would you please pick up that glass so I might have some water?" Doesn't that seem ridiculous? Yes? Well so is asking the Universe in a way that acts as if you need permission, because to the Universe, your request IS a glass of water. All requests are the same to the Universe, and it's not sitting around keeping a check list of who asked for what and how often. It doesn't care. It just expands and radiates with each and every request fulfilled. And about being humble - would you feel a need to be humble in order to work with your left hand? Doesn't that seem weird? Yeah, the Universe thinks so too. And it wishes you would relax. Inner energy, the higher dimensions, the stars and the heavens above are an extension of you - they are, metaphorically speaking, your left hand. The energy you create your life from isn't checking if you prayed correctly, fasted, kowtowed or anything else because that energy IS you. As you are, you're already worthy, you already are the desire and the manifestation, and if you want to pray and kneel and sing and dance, go for it, but just know, it's quiet alright if you don't. So command away, and let go of needing others or even yourself to approve of your requests. Do you want it? Well then get on with your bad self and say, yes, I want it, let's make this happen! Make a request, let it go, and give it time to appear as a physical manifestation. And then afterwards, thank the Universe. Show gratitude, and by all means, be humble and awed. Just don't do it backwards and get caught up in the mental dance that slows and eventually halts the manifestation. By the way, the Universe wants you to have all your desires and then some. The Universe wants you to have your desire as much as your left hand wants you to drink that water. The water nourishes all parts of your body. Your fulfillment nourishes all parts of the Universe. Your joy is the Universe's joy. This morning I came over to my favorite coffee shop for writing, working and breakfast burritos. It was nice enough I could sit outside today, which I am so delighted about.
This is one of the best places to sit outside and work or do some reading (I've got a book in my bag that I may pull out soon). It is full of lush plants, has multiple fountains and there are succulents all around. Who doesn't like succulents? The air is that perfect temp that is cool and awakening, without being so cold that it zaps my energy. In the picture above my computer is open and ready to write this blog post - how meta! Below I wanted to include me in one of the pictures because it's always fun to see who is behind a website. This coffee shop always uplifts me, and if you don't have a place like this, may you enjoy through my photos. I lift my coffee cup to you in a toast. |