There's a beautiful quote by Rumi that says, The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
Leonard Cohen expressed a similar sentiment when he sang, Ring the bells that still can ring \ Forget your perfect offering \ There is a crack in everything \ That's how the light gets in. I love these quotes, but I've come to realize, I love them when I'm applying them to someone else. I have a really hard time allowing them to be true about myself and my work. Especially when it comes to the issue of perfectionism. I never realized this was an issue for me because I am the last person who fits the perfectionist prototype. I certainly never struggled with feeling I had to look perfect, thanks to a case of cystic acne in my 20's. I never felt my life had to be perfect either, as I have been broke and crashed and burned more than once. In college, I got really depressed and failed an entire year. Two semesters of f's and incompletes. Needless to say, I felt like a loser and almost gave up on myself. In other words, I have fallen and picked myself back up many times over. This was integral in splitting me wide open for the spiritual awakening I would go through. It also helped me to let go and just be me in many ways. What I didn't realize is, it was giving me the illusion that I'm immune to the pitfalls of perfectionism. I couldn't even allow myself to consider this I was so entrenched in one way of thinking. I full on believed I knew I made mistakes and I loved them and myself for it. However, at the same time, I knew I was making mistakes, and I was terrified of them. Which means, I only kinda-sorta accepted myself as an imperfect being. I was caught in a very deep conflicting belief, and this conflict was ripping me apart. On the one hand, I knew my work wasn't perfect. No creative work ever will be. That's why it's so scary to create art, music, or pretty much anything at all. If you want to create something, a business let's say, and have it be perfect, you're either going to stop before you start, or struggle with massive inner turmoil, as I have been. On the other hand, I feared if I embraced this inner conflict I would appear to be a total hack. I didn't want to share that I think my work is flawed and imperfect, because then what faith would you have in me and the things I create? But the thing is, I know you have something you want to do, and that the fear of not being perfect might be holding you back on some level also. Maybe it's consciously, or maybe you're like me, and it's completely below the surface, buried so deep an oil rig is going to have to plunge in to get it out. Aside from perfectionism holding us back from doing what we really want to do, it can also hinder the meditative journey. If I create meditations that take you deep inside, to see all of who you are, so-called flaws and all, and then I fear on the deepest levels of my being my own flaws, I'm being a pretty big hypocrite. I was telling myself that my flaws in my creative projects weren't me. I had created a separation, and that was causing me inner discord. My creations are me. So if I refused to see flaws in my work, then I was refusing to accept a very big part of myself. A part I love so dearly, and that's where the pain comes in. You can't lock out one part without locking out the rest. I shut out feeling the insecurity over creating imperfect work, and therefore, also shut out the love, joy and pride I felt for my creations. I shut out remembering why I created what I did. I shut out the fun and focused only on the fear. I can only take you as far as I take myself. And I want to take you to the center of your soul. I want to take you right into the source of your being. Into the eternal place of love, beauty, light and divinity you always have been and always will be. So for all of us, for you and for me, I'm stepping into this fear. I deeply fear that by proclaiming I know my work isn't perfect that you will put be completely putt off to my meditations and anything else I do or say. And let's be honest, I have tons of fears about the imperfections of the meditations I created. I fear my voice is too inconsistent and varies too much in pitch and volume. I fear you can hear weird sounds my mouth makes (I had no idea I made so many weird sounds until I recorded myself). I fear the pacing is off and you'll think I rush some parts and take too long on others. I fear the whole story is stupid and you'll hate the journey I am so eager with delight to take you on. And I fear above all, you'll contact me and tell me all of the things you hated. This is by no means a request that you never tell me what you think of me and my work. These are my fears, and I will never get through them by insisting you conform to me. By all means, tell me what you think, because this band-aid I've got on my fears needs to be ripped off. What I've come to realize is, if I don't embrace the flaws in my work, I stop doing it in myself. The more I reject cracks in my work, the more I reject cracks and parts of myself. This in turns feeds into a fear I have that I can relapse into my old, depressive ways of self-loathing. This, like most fears, is irrational. I have made so many changes since then that it would take me years of reversing my momentum to get there. Decades really, and because of the changes I've made in people in my life, nobody around me would let this happen. And yet, I felt it would happen RIGHT NOW, and I had to hide from seeing my flaws in order to protect myself from going there. So here I am to say, My name is Melissa, and I have cracks. They are a part of me and I them. We need each other, and together we will grow into my true potential. I was so afraid of appearing imperfect that I became an emotional bully to myself, demanding I hide this side of me and suck it up, going on as if everything was okay. And that emotional bully, that's a crack. That's another place the light is getting inside of me.
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If you enjoy reading/listening to Abraham you know they are always reminding us to find what feels good. To put our attention on what we love. Put your attention on what brings you joy, whether that be some flowers, a sunset, a favorite TV show, some music you adore, or a pet. I followed through with that and got myself this kitty Banjo. She was a street cat, and she kept hiding from me until I managed to get her into my car with some Fancy Feast. I thought she was pretty plucky so I called her Banjo. I am totally in love with her, so I'm going to be super cheesy and be "one of those people" and share a photo of my pet. Here is my weekend dose of love. What's bringing you feelings of love and joy this weekend? Will you give it your full attention and allow yourself to feel into where that joy wants to take you? Will you allow it to be simple? A bird that flies over head. A lady bug on a leaf. A cup of coffee. Allow yourself to feel it without any thinking, any hows or whys. Just feel the love. It's more than enough. ”The certain pathway to all things that you want is through the corridor of joy. Most of you say, ‘When I get that I will be joyful.’ And we say, until you are joyful, you will not get that. You must start with the decision - with the determination - with the insistence that, ’I will not settle for less than feeling good.’"
- Abraham/Esther Hicks “You want life-changing advice? Do everything differently today. Scare yourself. Dance for no reason. Sing louder than ever before. Talk to new people. If it scares you to death, do a lot of it. Act as if today is THE day. You'll thank me tomorrow.”
—Justin Rogers I have just been introduced to The Universal Breathing Room, and I'm so thankful and excited to share it! I was sitting here feeling a little off. I could feel there was something there, something that was the faintest feeling of sadness and longing, but I couldn't shake it off and I wasn't sure what I needed. I was following a discussion on self-sabotage and fear and someone shared the UBR (Universal Breathing Room) from the Do As One site. On the site, you enter into a virtual room and join with others and just... breathe. I was instantly curious because I know when you join with other people an experience increases in intensity (which was studied and is now called the Maharishi effect). So if I was breathing with the intention of feeling better, and others were too, then my good feelings would rise even faster. I did some deep breathing in the room for a few minutes and yeah, it was awesome. This is so simple and so effective. The best part is you can see how many people are there (when I first went in it was 7) so if you're feeling lonely you can imagine all those other people, breathing, chilling out, choosing to feel good above all else, sharing this experience with you, breathing with One with you, and you won't feel so alone. You can experience the sense of connection without having to do anything except breathe. And deep breathing is so healing. It connects you to your life force, the now moment, cleanses and detoxifies and clears your mind. There are several settings in the room. I tried to start breathing right away, and then lost my pacing as I played with the settings. I recommend relaxing at first and seeing what the settings do before you go into the breathing pattern. I would also recommend keeping the visual off at first. It can be hard to see the inhale/exhale instructions with it on (I also found it a little distracting, I preferred the solid color anyway). The intention setting is fantastic, however. Today I went with a purple color and intentionalized it to "Unconditional Love." I stopped following the breathing and came here to write this post. Without thinking I left the breathing room open in my web browser. Even the act of just listening to the breathing was so calming and soothing. I wondered if it was creepy I was enjoying listening to breathing, but it felt good, so who cares (and after awhile it started to sound like the ocean). As I was listening to the deep, rhythmic breathing I saw on FB someone posted this angel image. I started to follow along with the breathing again while staring at this and then I really started to feel good! I hope you get a chance to try The Universal Breathing Room today or sometime this week! If you enjoy it and feel comfortable sharing it please do so! The more people who join the more its energy will grow and expand. Meditation Monday is a series of blog posts to help you start your week off with the intentions of healing, relaxation and a deeper, more positive connection with yourself. I wish you a wonderful week!
In one of the Facebook groups I'm in a discussion began about fear. I started this discussion because I am feeling totally fed-up with feeling fear can overtake me at any moment. I'm done with that powerless feeling. I had gotten really overwhelmed about something and reached out for help. As the discussion went on one of the women posted a poem she spontaneously wrote, in that moment, about fear. When I read it I felt the poem was so much more than the words written. It felt like it carried this divine energy, and that the poem, the combination of her words and this energy, had been divinely channeled through her as a gift for her and anyone it reached. I wrote the poem down and kept thinking about it. One line in particular really helped me, and I kept repeating it. I took it in and made a shift, a real change, based upon it. When I started to feel overwhelm I asked myself, "Am I breathing out the fear?" I could see then how in scary moments I didn't allow myself to feel I had a choice. Remembering you have a choice is so crucial to reclaiming and maintaining your sense of self power. So I began to breathe the energy of love deep into my stomach, let it surround the fear, and then slowly breathed out the fear. I'm taking this moment by moment. When that fear comes up I breathe into it. I acknowledge it's there, and then I say, "Thank you but no thank you," and I breathe it out. I am commanding myself to remember that one of the few things I can control in this world is how I feel. And by remembering that, I am realizing that fear can only overtake me if I let it. What a difference this has made! This is such a simple tool and one I can use for the rest of my life. Breathe in love / breathe out fear. Since this was all inspired by this beautiful poem I asked Carol-Anne if I could share it here. She graciously allowed me to, and here it is for you to reflect on. Before you read it, take a moment to calm and center. Take a deep breath in through your nose, feeling your chest rise. Slowly let it out through your mouth, pulling your stomach in to help push the breath all the way out. Relax. Let go. This moment is for you. We all have moments that leave us breathless Some happy, some sad and some that are just plain ugly It's how we respond in the moment that matters Do we exhale our fears Or bottle them up and hold onto them It's our reaction that heals or hurts The next time we are breathless If we close our eyes and allow our fears to escape We will be able to feel the beauty of our breath - Carol-Anne Schneider
I'm back to check-in after my 24 hours of self-celebration (see the post below for the first part on this). It was an interesting journey, and one that ended with perhaps one of the most healing experiences I've had in a long time. As the day went on, things got a lot easier, and I began to really embrace the idea of celebrating EVERYTHING. The great thing was it got me to remember that things I do that seem mundane are in fact totally awesome and worthy of a pat on the back. For example, I gave myself three silent cheers for finishing a guided meditation in a course I'm doing. When I'd first started meditating I was really excited for myself and the courage and self-discipline it took to try this new thing. I used to feel such a sense of completion and accomplishment for the smallest thing, like sitting quietly and breathing for a few minutes. Once meditation became a regular part of my life I stopped feeling like it was anything special I was doing. I'd forgotten that the 1,000th time meditating is as worthy of praise as the first. It shows a sincere commitment to something, and an ability to grow with something as I was ready to go to the next threshold. So when I took a moment after the meditation to say, "Great job, Melissa!" it felt genuine and like something I would benefit from doing more often. It was also the same when I went running. Normally I would think things like, "I could have run farther," or, "well, I've got to go running now". But yesterday I celebrated my commitment to my health, to my motivation and to the fact that I got out and ran, even though I was tired. This morning I discovered this really fun website called Write a Letter to Your Future Self. This sounded like a good way to celebrate where I'm at now, and look at it in a new way. So I wrote a letter to myself from my future me, giving me accolades and praise for the journey I've been on and each and every step I take. As my day of celebration ended I was listening to music and relaxing. I have to say, I felt the most calm and relaxed I have in a long time. I then had this sudden urge to write down my blocks, and then get clear about the bridge beliefs that would get me through them. A bridge belief is something that connects what holds you back to what you want. Here's an example:
I had a lot of these kinds of blocks, and the more I wrote the more the deep ones surfaced. I felt safe doing this because after my day of celebration, I knew these were only beliefs. I knew I had a lot of good stuff going on, and no matter what I wrote or I saw about myself, I would have plenty to celebrate and feel good about after. Writing down your blocks and then looking for the bridge belief (and there is always, always a bridge) can be an incredibly healing thing to do. It usually gives a feeling of relief as you no long have to wrestle between the desire and the fear. Here's one of my own that helped me get a lot of clarity on what I'm trying to do that I personally wrestle with:
So my blocks and bridge beliefs might have seemed really obvious to you. You might have already felt both were divinely inspired acts, both were spiritual, and both had grounded elements. That can be the funny thing about this, is that as soon as you write the whole thing you think, "Yeah, that makes perfect sense. It's so obvious I don't know how I didn't see it!" If you're feeling up to it, try getting down some blocks and bridge beliefs yourself. I would highly encourage you to write this out with pen and paper, if you can. It's been proven that writing, rather than typing, gets your brain thinking in different ways. You have to concentrate more as you're not just pushing buttons, but forming the letters. You will feel more connected to what you're doing, really tune out all else, and also engage your creative mind (through the writing process), which will bring up all kinds of fresh insights for your bridge beliefs.
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