Here's a challenge that you might think sounds easy but can be quiet a button pusher: For 24 hours, make yourself the center of a one person celebration. Every cup of coffee you buy is a reward for being awesome. Every set of stairs you climb, every work task you complete, every meal you prepare is a feat worthy of a moment you pause, look around and say, "Yes, I did that, nobody did that for me, and I'm fucking awesome for it." Everything you do, no matter how small, is going to end with, "My name is Melissa and just by being me and showing up for life, I deserve a freakin' parade." (And of course you'd change Melissa to your name.) I decided to do this because I have a hard time celebrating myself. As someone who spent a long time in the dumps of "I hate myself," and feeling my life was a worthless vacuum going nowhere, this was a hard move for me to make. I feel good about myself now. I think positive thoughts. I surround myself with people who support me but are also honest with me. But... to celebrate myself and my life? That makes me uncomfortable. And that holds me back. Big time. So from 1:30 PM today until 1:30 PM tomorrow I'm celebrating myself. I am declaring myself worthy of being celebrated. And I'm going to push through the discomfort of everything this brings up. There's already gunk and tar coming up, and I just started. The fear of being arrogant. The fear someone will step in and say, "Actually, you're not awesome, you're not worthy of being celebrated." The fear of losing perspective and suddenly feeling I'm better than others (which shows how irrational fears can be - see the previous, countering fear for proof). And maybe the biggest fear of all: If I celebrate myself, so will others, and then I'll be seen. The desire to hide is an ongoing thing I'm working through. I tend to declare myself ready, show up, and then tremble with fear and run to the shadows as soon as I gather others around me. But hey, it's okay. Because the thing is, if I never showed up at all, if I always waited for the perfect moment, guess what? I'd always be waiting. I would never have to 1.) acknowledge I like to hide 2.) do anything about it or 3.) look at where these feelings come from. So here's a little list of things I want to celebrate about my life so far. As I prepare to write this my fear that I'm going to seem totally arrogant and wanting only to brag is rearing it's ugly head. But damn it, I'm done with that. I must write it and push through the discomfort. I hope you start your own 24 hours of self-celebration, and if you do, comment or message me so I can come over and celebrate you!!! Also, keep in mind this is my list, based on my life, and what you want to celebrate is personal to you. Only you know where you started, and so only you get to declare what's worthy of all your praises. * You don't have to read this list, but please read my check-in at the end, where I share briefly what this brought up in me.
Okay, so I just finished my list and I'm back for a little check-in. Despite listing some pretty cool things, I don't feel so great right now. I feel a little down. My energy is not soaring and I'm not popping confetti bottles in my honor right now.
I'm thinking about the things that aren't on the list that I feel should be. So I wrote screenplays - but I haven't sold one yet. How can I celebrate them if they're still unsold? And so I was in a few triathlons. So what? That was over a decade ago and I'm not in a fraction of the shape I was in then, so I can't celebrate that. And I certainly can't celebrate the fact that I lived in Buenos Aires. I didn't learn Spanish like I'd hoped and I was a nervous wreck most of the time about the novel I was writing... Mixed in with it all is that awesome, overarching belief, "You can't celebrate your life because you've made too many mistakes! TOO MANY! No amount of achievement, travel, or goal completion will make up for the ways you fucked up." Whoa. That's a doozy. This is why this can be such a button pusher. All those countering beliefs that pull you down, they're going to come up. But the thing is, whether you let them come up or not, whether you acknowledge them or not, they're there, sabotaging your life. I'm feeling pretty done with those sneaky little bastards, so I'm going to say, "Come on up. All of you, get up here, let's get this over with. Here's the deal: I see you. And I hear you. But I refuse to be defined by you. I refuse to be ruled by you. I refuse to give my power to you." Boom! Take that countering beliefs. I'll come back tomorrow and let you know how my 24 hours of self-celebration ended. I'm hoping with some balloons and a bottle of champagne, but I have to be honest, I have no idea what this is going to lead to. Whatever it is, I'm ready and I'm willing, because nobody puts Baby in a corner.
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People often say your inner critic is far harsher and scarier than any outer criticism you'll face. Personally, I've never found this to be true, and I find both can knock me on my ass with equal force. I'm going to write about something that just happened in regards to receiving criticism. Months ago I sent in one of my guided meditations (the abridged version of The Golden Thread) to the Insight Timer website. It took so long to get approved I forgot I did it (and have since updated the audio slightly). When it was approved I felt excited and nervous. This was a new experience for me, and I knew it would expose me to a lot of new people. Today I logged in to see the comments on my meditation. There were some positive ones, and there were some negative ones. I was surprised to see that many negative reviewers felt that my voice was irritating. I felt totally floored by this. No one has ever said this to me before. I have heard from many people they find my voice soothing, and they like the way it sounds with the music. I was completely shaken by this feedback. My voice is me. My voice is the guided meditation... and it's not something I can change. I've only got one voice. As I sat staring at this criticism the waves of self-doubt, sadness and embarrassment began crashing into me, one after the other. If my voice is annoying then what I've created is annoying. If my voice is annoying then I must be annoying. I've created shit. Total shit. I am shit. I began seriously considering taking the meditation off the site. I felt too exposed. I had that feeling you get when someone has called you on your bullshit and all you feel is that burning shame that reduces you to two inches tall. I could feel the shut down coming on. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to stop creating, anything, ever, for the rest of my life. I can't do this. I can't handle criticism. I can't handle feeling exposed and vulnerable. I can't handle people shitting on my creations I treasure and love. I can't. I can't. I can't. Deep breath. So it's been about ten years I've been creating and putting my stuff out to the world (the meditations are more recent - I started with creative writing). That's a long time to learn how to take feedback, both good and bad. That's also a long time to learn nothing and be on a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, soaring up and crashing and burning down. As I started to go into the shutdown there was a voice coming below all of the shame, fear and insecurity. A single message, repeating, louder and louder until I could hear it: I REFUSE TO LET THIS CONTINUE. It was yelling out I REFUSE TO REPEAT THIS PATTERN! It was yelling at me to stop all of this. Stop the pattern. Stop the shut down. Stop taking on what other people think. Let that be theirs. Let what I know to be true be mine. Know the difference. CHOOSE DIFFERENT. It was like being in a tornado, with this inner voice yelling one thing and the chaos of my thoughts swirling around me, and despite everything inside of me wanting to shut down and crouch in the center of that tornado, I embraced the voice. I was totally losing it at this point, with tears in my eyes and a trigger finger on that "delete" key on the website. But I knew if I went into that old pattern of hiding and shutting down I would regret it. I would only be sitting in my own struggle, and I'm so done with the struggle. I'm so done with being knocked over each time there's a strong wind. I want to center. I want to thrive in my creative process, enjoying what I create rather than fearing how much it can hurt me in the end. Normally, I take these things and command myself to be strong. I internalize them, lock them away, steal myself over, and power through. But that clearly doesn't work, and it always blows up in my face later. I had to reach out for help, I had to essentially make myself more vulnerable, to put myself out to people, even though that went against everything I was craving. I shared my experience with a friend and the feedback I got immediately started to calm the storm. I got some much needed clarity, and also some much needed support. She asked me what limiting belief this was triggering in me. As she said, if someone's critique is tearing you apart, it's because there's something you're afraid of lurking under the surface. Are their comments triggering unvoiced fears? Or reflecting unfair harsh internal criticisms? I could then see clearly when I read that why this experience seemed to cut so deep. I have always doubted my voice. Not my literal, physical voice, but my message. My words. I have doubted what I wanted to say was important. I have doubted I could defend what I say. I have feared deeply that the things I write and create are worthless. And so when these people said my voice was annoying it went right to that trigger. Calling my physical voice annoying pushed that fear that my metaphorical voice was also annoying, and therefore, worthless. Deep breath. Okay, so I can see this now. Now what am I going to do it about it? That's the question that follows any big breakthrough. What now? I've already made a firm commitment to choosing different. It already feels better. And I'm following through with that with this blog post. I'm choosing to share rather than retreat. I'm going to embrace rather than smother. I feared writing this post, because I thought it might instill complete doubt in me and my ability to create guided meditations. If I shake like a leaf when things get tough, then how can I have created things that will help others? All I can say is, I'm on a journey also, and it's times like this, when I see myself stumbling, that inspire me the most to reach higher. If I never went down and rose back up I wouldn't have the slightest idea what I wanted to share with others who want to pull themselves up and shine also. I suppose they go hand in hand - when I see my shortcomings I see a chance to grow, and from that growth comes the inspiration to create, whether that be for a meditation here or a short story or something else. And with that, I would like to end with a quote by Teddy Roosevelt. You may know it if you've read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.
I love my body.
I nourish it to strengthen, regenerate and self-heal with not only good food, but with the things I think and say about it. My body is the partner to my soul, and I treat it as such. I am thankful for my body.
Immersion in music as a form of therapy, healing and spiritual connection is something I am beginning to explore and enjoy, and for that I must give thanks to my hosts of the drumming circle. I have listened to music before with the intentions of healing, and experienced how it can uplift my mood or help in meditation. But I've never taken part in the creation of music, which is mostly because I am not musically inclined and therefore felt frustrated over my lack of ability. Piano lessons at a young age where far from spiritual experiences, instead feeling more like weekly hours of torture for me and the piano teacher. I am now seeing that there's this whole other world available to me, and it's perhaps the greatest discovery I've made in a long time.
To be a part of the drumming circle is always such a mystical feeling for me. It's the embodiment of letting go and embracing spontaneity, inspiration, intuition and your Higher Self. There are always aspects of our lives we're trying to control, and during different periods, we may be trying to exert more control than usual. The thing about a drum circle is you can't control it. It constantly flows in tempo, style and sound, and this in itself creates so much deep, inner healing and release. I would say it's a far more opening and expansive feeling than in traditional meditation. I even love it as much as traditional meditation because it IS meditation, but combined with action. You could also say this about yoga, but again, that has an element of control to it. You are usually following with a routine or an instructor, and rarely do you do spontaneous yoga poses, moving about as you feel inspired to. To be able to go into the open and free feelings of meditation, while feeling my body move, feeling the vibration of the music, in my body, is something I wish I had better words for. I hesitated to use the word "sacred" in the title of this post because I associate the word sacred with something serious. Spirituality, connecting with the divine, letting go, those are not serious things, but fun, joyous and free things. So the drumming circle is sacred... but it's also playful and full of joy and spontaneity (at least the way we do it - I know some drumming circles like to do chants and have planned drumming beats. I tried that way once with a different circle and I found I prefer the unplanned way). The feeling of a group of people drumming together without any specific plan or direction is one that vibrates in you and through you. It's almost as if our Higher Selves weave together over us, guiding us in creating harmony as we drum our own beats, and yet, make a divine sound together. The feeling of the drum vibrating as you strike it goes through you, out of you and out into the cosmos. It truly feels like you are drumming with the whole Universe. As our energies meld the tempo goes up and down, the intensity rises and falls, we feel our individual selves and we feel ourselves as part of the whole. In our group we also have lots of noise makers, and so people pick up bells, shakers, rain sticks, and even spoons as they feel called to. I love this aspect as it really enhances the variety and opens us up even further to totally letting go and surrendering to the musical free flow. There is a feeling that this harmony, which seems to constantly verge on chaos, is a reflection of life and the creation of everything itself. It's the perfect middle point of allowing things to unfold while taking part in that unfolding. It makes no difference who we are, what we want or what we do. All that matters is that we have come together for this shared experience, which can only be accomplished through trust and a desire to simply let go... |