When a friend recommended I watch the movie Violet, I knew exactly which film she was referring to. I'd been interested in it because I'd heard the lead character struggles with anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Other than knowing the movie dealt with anxiety, I really didn't know what to expect when I put it on. Within the first few minutes, the film showed how Violet struggles with a stream of negative internal dialogue all day. It is constant. And it is jarring.

In all honesty, it made me uncomfortable at times. Not because what she was thinking was outrageous and unbelievable - but because it was so BELIEVABLE. A large amount of things she thought I think myself. To hear my own thoughts being spoken out loud, and seeing the impact and pain they cause, was both captivating and unnerving.

However, seeing those thoughts made manifest on Violet was not all bad. In fact, there was something deeply reassuring about knowing I'm not the only one who thinks stuff like that. Because my negative thoughts are so vicious, they feel specific to me, which makes them seem true. My stream goes something like You're a loser, no one actually believes in you, people pretend to respect you but they really think you're worthless. But... if everyone has similar thoughts, then they aren't really specific to me. We all learned the same bullshit, and it doesn't define a single one of us.

As the movie goes along, Violet begins to confront her thoughts. She begins taking steps to set herself free from the prison of self-attack. I don't want to tell you exactly what she does or how it unfolds, because I think it would be more powerful to see it for yourself.

If you struggle with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, fear, and/or low self-esteem, I highly HIGHLY recommend you watch this film. It had a profound effect on me, and has literally changed how I deal with my inner monologue. The movie is really well done, relatable, and in the end, will give you a sense of hope that maybe wasn't there before.

I rented the movie for $4.99 on Redbox, and when I looked for it, I also saw it available to rent on Amazon, iTunes, and Vudu. I'm going to put the trailer below. And after you're done, come back and do the meditation I made that was inspired by the movie (hit the button below). It's all about finding your true, loving inner voice. The one that resides below the stream of negative self-talk, which we usually can't hear because the negative voice is talking over it. This meditation will help you to hear what your inner self ACTUALLY wants to say to you, and how loving and supportive it really is.

Violet stars Olivia Munn, Justin Theroux, and Luke Bracey. It was written and directed by Justine Bateman. Quick summary: Violet realizes that her entire life is built on fear-based decisions, and must do everything differently to become her true self.

If I could snuggle up anywhere for a while, it would be the succulent area of Home Depot. Every time I go there, I fall in love with every little plant. They are all so sweet and happy looking, and I want to keep them all together like a family. So if I buy one, I have to buy at least one more to keep it company.

At this time, I have 11 succulents. Some might say that's a lot. But others (and you are my people), would say that's only the beginning of a collection. So far I have been filling pots I decorated with one plant each. But I'm starting to feel ready to get a big pot or basket and make an arrangement.

Do you decorate with succulents? What are your favorite combinations for big pots? ​While I experiment and learn, here's a great video I found from someone who loves succulents as much as I do (and knows how to care for them)!

During the peak of the pandemic, I began doing my first ever morning routine. I had gone into a deep depression, and just getting out of bed each day took monumental effort. Feeling hopeless about everything, I knew I needed something to get me going each morning. So I gave myself three things to do:

1. A little bit of exercise to get my blood flowing (usually some sit ups and on the knees pushups)
2. 20 minutes of meditating
3. 3 pages of journal writing

If you've read The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, you'll know that the 3 pages of journaling are referred to as "Morning Pages." It's a way to empty out of your brain everything you carried over from the day before. It's just a mental dump, so you can start the new day free and clear.

Although I'd read The Artist's Way awhile back, I had never been able to get the 3 pages of journaling to stick. But seeing as I was in such a deep rut, my motivation to get out of said rut pushed me into finally making the habit stick.

By the time I'd finish exercising and meditating, I was so ready for my cup of morning coffee! Having this little thing to look forward to really helped with lifting my spirits each day. I loved watching the coffee brew, soaking up this beautiful self-love ritual. 

As I'd sit and journal, sipping on my coffee, my worries would pour out of me onto the page. After several months of doing this, I began to see patterns in my thinking. I could see that I was focusing completely on my despair and frustration, and I slowly began introducing hope and positivity into my morning reflection.

After almost 2 years of this routine, I felt my equilibrium coming back. I began to feel like myself again. And thus I changed my routine once again. I now create a daily meditation in the morning, and while I edit it, I sip on my coffee from my favorite mug (pictured above). If you'd like to follow along with this new series of daily meditation breaks, click here!

And if you are also in a rut, struggling to get your good vibes back, you may be interested in my 30 Day Vibration Raising Journey. It's a special journey that involves 30 daily guided meditations that will lift your spirits, soothe your soul, and bring you back into harmony and wholeness. It also includes 30 daily journal prompts that will really help to shift and awaken you! Click the button below to learn more!

I recently discovered an app that said it could create psychedelic like experiences without any drugs or substances.

​My curiosity was piqued, as I have been exploring microdosing psilocybin, which is the active ingredient in mushrooms, for the last few months. I had heard mushrooms could help with treatment resistant depression, and I have been afflicted with anxiety and depression ever since I was a kid. 

The mushrooms provided mostly good results, and I do believe in their benefits. Despite my success with them, I was often nervous if I took too much I'd feel like I'd lost control. Thus, I was willing to give this app a try, which claimed I could turn the "experience" off at any time.

​According to this new app, all I needed was a dark room and the flashlight on my phone. I was intrigued but also skeptical. What was this bizarre technology and how on earth would my phone flashlight induce a deeply introspective, meditative state?

I needed to know more and so I downloaded the Lumenate app. I'd heard about it from Rosamund Pike, and this is what she said about it in an Instagram post:

Before I tell you about my experience with it, a word of caution. This app works by pulsing the flashlight on your phone at your closed eyes. If you suffer from seizures or are sensitive to strobing lights, do not use this app. It's also important not to use it if you've been drinking, as that will have adverse effects. I would also advise you to take caution if you are prone to migraines. I am not a doctor and cannot advise you on whether or not it's safe to use this app.

Yes, I know it seems weird to have a medical caution for an app. Is it really that intense? I would say that yes, it is, and from my initial experience it's highly effective. After one night of use, I believe in this technology and am excited to explore it more. Here's how my initial experience went:

The day I downloaded the app I was feeling tired. I'd been feeling tired for over a week. It's the way I get when I'm depressed, but I didn't feel depressed. I couldn't say exactly what was wrong, only that I wasn't interested in anything, and I was struggling to get through each day. It was perhaps the beginning of a depressive episode, but I hadn't yet gotten past the initial stage where I just feel like I'm in a funk.

As had become my recent habit, I was sitting around watching reruns of a show I found comforting. Unmotivated to do anything else, I thought, why not try the app? I have nothing to lose.

I went into my room and turned off all the lights. I closed the door, sat down, and opened up the app. I went to the introductory experience and hit play. I put on noise cancelling headphones and listened as I was instructed on what to do.

 
​I have been reflecting lately on a story I began telling myself when I was 22.

​It was at this time, that I dropped out of college for good. I was suffering from severe depression and failing class after class. At the time, mental health was not addressed in the way it is now, and so I just sort of floundered, feeling that if I wasn't such a failure, I wouldn't be making such a mess of everything.

Considering I left the year I should have graduated, I was surrounded by people who DID graduate. All of my friends got their degrees, and I began to tell myself a story that would stick with me for nearly two decades after.

As my friends graduated, they got their first post-college jobs. Jobs you could only get if you had a college degree. Some went to work for big companies, like Netflix and Walmart. Some jumped around, trying out different jobs, all while exploring their adult lives in a way I could only watch with awe and jealousy. 

I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel capable and like I was progressing in my own life. I wanted to feel like I was a part of the world, but instead, I felt shut out and alone.

The job I got was cleaning after hours at my dad's office. Cleaning is by no means a bad job, and I recognize the hard work and ambition of all who become home and office cleaners.

​The problem was, everyone around me was doing something vastly different, and I began to determine who I was based on the perspective I was standing in.

What I saw, based on my limited information, were people with something of value. They had a degree, they had something that people wanted, and therefore, they had value. I did not have this thing, and therefore, I concluded I had no value. I was on a much lower level, and this is where my mind got stuck for many, many years.

It makes me sad to write this and to think about how much of my life I've spent repeating this story ad nauseum. If there was any evidence to the contrary, anything that said, "You have value and the world needs you!" I disregarded it as anomalous. Surely these messages were a mistake, because I saw so many other messages that said, "Worthless. Incapable. Loser," and those I determined to be the truth.

​I held onto those messages that hurt like heavy rocks that I somehow felt I couldn't live without.

At this point, you may want to shake me by the shoulders at the faultiness of my thinking. How could I have determined my entire sense of self-worth based on whether or not I graduated from college? There are so many people who went on to be wildly successful who never graduated, or who never even went at all. And there are those who never went to college, never felt much desire to be ambitious, and lived a happy and fulfilling life based on what felt good to them.

But that's the thing with stories. They aren't based on the full truth. They are only based on glimpses of reality that we blow up and piece together in a way that satisfies our own inner narrative. 

When I look back, I can see how easily this story fit my sense of self at the time. I had no way of knowing what I would do with myself. I had no way of knowing I would one day create my own guided meditations, and offer something to the world that I really do believe has value. I only had what I knew then - which was a sense of failure and worthlessness.

I looked around at everyone around me, which was in itself a very limited perspective, and made a conclusion so fixed I may as well have carved it into stone.

​It's incredible to me to look back and consider how much information I filtered out so that I could affirm this ONE story about myself over and over. 

I wish I could go back in time and talk to 22 year old Melissa. I wish I could tell her not to determine her entire life's value based on .02% of the information she is seeing. I wish I could hug her and tell her she's going to be okay, and there is beautiful path ahead of her, completely unique to her.

But I cannot go back in time. I cannot change what's done. And so I can only start a new chapter. One I write with more information, and from a place of love and self-acceptance I never allowed myself before.

I don't just want to start a new chapter though. I want to start a whole new book.

​I want to look at a blank page and ask myself honestly, "Who are you? What is the story you want to tell about yourself?" I want to fill my new pages with love and hope. And I want to fill them in such a way that I look back 20 years from now and think, now that's a hell of a good story.

​When it comes to imposter phenomenon, or as it's more commonly known, "imposter syndrome", I often feel a sense that someone else belongs more than me. For example, with these meditations, I will often feel someone has done it better or will do it better, and I just don't belong in the arena at all.

I feel like I should be on the outside, looking in at the people who are doing it right. I feel as if I'm going to be grabbed by my shoulders, shaken, and demand an explanation as to why I thought I, of all people, believed I was good enough to do this.

The funny thing is, I don't ever fear this should happen to other people. I don't question if other people should make meditations or workbooks. I don't question if they're valid. It's as if this only applies to me, and I'm the only fraudulent person in a sea of qualified "real" people.

The even funnier thing is, nearly everyone else feels this way too. So if we all feel like we're the imposter, and surely everyone else is good enough, where exactly are all these so-called overly qualified people?

The topic of imposter phenomenon came up for me today as I listened to a podcast on NPR. As they said, it was originally coined as "imposter phenomenon" and not syndrome, because syndrome applies it's something that can be diagnosed and cured.

Does that mean there's no cure to this often-times crippling feeling? At the time time, no. There's no cure. But there are tools a person can learn to manage it. And if you can manage it, you can still go after all those goals and dreams.

What really helped me, was to reshift what I wanted my end result to be. I let go of the need to be perfect (which is really a need to avoid criticism), and let the new goal to be satisfied. Now, my goal is not to be perfect. Or to be the best. Or to arrive knowing everything. My goal is to do a good job, and to know I did the best I could.

This sounds simple, but it really did feel like a huge weight fell off as I thought about it. Once I let go of perfectionism, and gave myself permission to aim for my own self-defined version of complete, I felt much freer and lighter. I also felt as if I was operating within realisitic parameters, and not setting myself up for failure.

And I believe it's this fear of falling short of perfect that leads to the feeling of being an imposter. I have let go of the need to show up being the best, because honestly, what is the point of life if I start at the finish line? I'm now giving myself permission to grow and learn and explore my creations through my own unique learning process. And through that process, I have no doubt I'll create far better work than anything I would've done that was "perfect."

I've put the episode of NPR below. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!