​I have been reflecting lately on a story I began telling myself when I was 22.

​It was at this time, that I dropped out of college for good. I was suffering from severe depression and failing class after class. At the time, mental health was not addressed in the way it is now, and so I just sort of floundered, feeling that if I wasn't such a failure, I wouldn't be making such a mess of everything.

Considering I left the year I should have graduated, I was surrounded by people who DID graduate. All of my friends got their degrees, and I began to tell myself a story that would stick with me for nearly two decades after.

As my friends graduated, they got their first post-college jobs. Jobs you could only get if you had a college degree. Some went to work for big companies, like Netflix and Walmart. Some jumped around, trying out different jobs, all while exploring their adult lives in a way I could only watch with awe and jealousy. 

I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel capable and like I was progressing in my own life. I wanted to feel like I was a part of the world, but instead, I felt shut out and alone.

The job I got was cleaning after hours at my dad's office. Cleaning is by no means a bad job, and I recognize the hard work and ambition of all who become home and office cleaners.

​The problem was, everyone around me was doing something vastly different, and I began to determine who I was based on the perspective I was standing in.

What I saw, based on my limited information, were people with something of value. They had a degree, they had something that people wanted, and therefore, they had value. I did not have this thing, and therefore, I concluded I had no value. I was on a much lower level, and this is where my mind got stuck for many, many years.

It makes me sad to write this and to think about how much of my life I've spent repeating this story ad nauseum. If there was any evidence to the contrary, anything that said, "You have value and the world needs you!" I disregarded it as anomalous. Surely these messages were a mistake, because I saw so many other messages that said, "Worthless. Incapable. Loser," and those I determined to be the truth.

​I held onto those messages that hurt like heavy rocks that I somehow felt I couldn't live without.

At this point, you may want to shake me by the shoulders at the faultiness of my thinking. How could I have determined my entire sense of self-worth based on whether or not I graduated from college? There are so many people who went on to be wildly successful who never graduated, or who never even went at all. And there are those who never went to college, never felt much desire to be ambitious, and lived a happy and fulfilling life based on what felt good to them.

But that's the thing with stories. They aren't based on the full truth. They are only based on glimpses of reality that we blow up and piece together in a way that satisfies our own inner narrative. 

When I look back, I can see how easily this story fit my sense of self at the time. I had no way of knowing what I would do with myself. I had no way of knowing I would one day create my own guided meditations, and offer something to the world that I really do believe has value. I only had what I knew then - which was a sense of failure and worthlessness.

I looked around at everyone around me, which was in itself a very limited perspective, and made a conclusion so fixed I may as well have carved it into stone.

​It's incredible to me to look back and consider how much information I filtered out so that I could affirm this ONE story about myself over and over. 

I wish I could go back in time and talk to 22 year old Melissa. I wish I could tell her not to determine her entire life's value based on .02% of the information she is seeing. I wish I could hug her and tell her she's going to be okay, and there is beautiful path ahead of her, completely unique to her.

But I cannot go back in time. I cannot change what's done. And so I can only start a new chapter. One I write with more information, and from a place of love and self-acceptance I never allowed myself before.

I don't just want to start a new chapter though. I want to start a whole new book.

​I want to look at a blank page and ask myself honestly, "Who are you? What is the story you want to tell about yourself?" I want to fill my new pages with love and hope. And I want to fill them in such a way that I look back 20 years from now and think, now that's a hell of a good story.

The following are some simple tools to keep on hand for anxious moments.

The first is a calming statement that will bring you into the present moment and help you to see things different. The second is an Inner Peace & Relief Cheat Sheet. It's a one page sheet for you to print out and keep on hand. The third is a six minute audio with empowering affirmations.

​Calming Statement

In this moment, I am safe.

I feel unsafe because of past experiences. ​​In the past, things happened that made me feel unsafe and afraid. My brain has carried those past stories into the present, and it is distorting my perspective.

My brain is not doing this to sabotage me. In fact, it’s trying to protect me from being hurt and afraid again. But each day, I am growing stronger and my brain is learning to see things more clearly. Each day, I find more acceptance for how I feel and for the anxiety that is showing me how to love myself more. In this moment, I feel anxious, but that’s okay. It’s only for this moment. It will pass. It always does.

​I just need to take a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.

Inner Peace & Relief Cheat Sheet

Download the following one page cheat sheet and print it out. If you can, fill it in by hand (rather than typing). When we write things out we take them in deeper and fuller. Hand writing also activates our brain more than typing, helping us to really get creative and find answers we didn't know were in us.

Self-Empowering Affirmations

The following affirmations will reinforce and retrain your brain for confidence and empowerment. This six minute audio can be used in the morning, for a brief meditation, while driving to work, or any time you need a boost. These affirmations are for your solar plexus, which is your seat of self power. They are from the Chakra Balancing and Healing package, which includes 8 guided meditations, chakra affirmations, sound healing, and a comprehensive workbook.

I hope these offerings have helped you! For more chakra affirmations and chakra healing packages, click the button below. I wish you many blessings.

Sometimes, when I'm struggling with my sense of self-esteem, I begin to think of my accomplishments, good things I've done, positive things people have said to me, and so on. I was doing this tonight as I thought about who I am and where I'm at in life. I was navigating waves of doubt and insecurity.

Who are you to feel important in this world? What have you done to earn that?

And then I wondered... why do I feel I have to think of what I've done or am doing in order to feel my existence is valid and worthy? Have I ever felt a wild flower needs to prove it belongs in this world?

Just think of it - you are walking through a field and suddenly you come upon a glorious yellow buttercup. It has brightened the field and thereby brightened your day. Even better, nobody planned for this flower to be here. It arose from a mysterious and far-reaching chain of events that is part of the ongoing web of Earth life. The fact that you crossed paths with this flower is quite literally a cosmic miracle.

As you gaze upon this flower, do you wonder what it's doing with its life?

Do you wonder if it's actually earned that sunshine it is so freely soaking up? Do you ask yourself if this flower truly deserves, above all other existing and potential flowers, to be pulling in nutrients from the earth? Has this flower done anything special to be worthy of your attention and praises???

I mean, who does this flower think it is!

It would be strange and even depressing to put all of that on a flower, which is valid and important simply because it exists. We intuitively know this, and we allow this knowing to extend to all of the natural world.

​We do not question if a moose is living up to its potential. We do not wonder if that hawk soaring in the sky is trying to find its purpose in life. We just know that they are here, and we are so glad they are.

Even the mosquitoes, which literally feed off of other living things, they actually do the opposite of contribute or work hard or share loving kindness, are things we know that do not have to ask our permission or approval to be. We are free to swat them to their death, but don't expect that mosquito to apologize to you or anyone or anything about who it is and what it's done (or not done) with its life. The mosquito knows what created it is something beyond you, and therefore, it owes you no explanation, not even a "thanks for the blood!"

And how wonderful to know that is true of you and I also.

We are also a part of the natural world, even if it seems our world has somehow removed itself. This separation is only an illusion.

Your body is nourished by the the water of the earth. The food you eat, which creates your body, was grown in this planet's rich, musky soil. That sunshine that is so vital to all of plant life is vital to you also. You are a natural part of this world, and whoever you are, wherever you are, the only person you must explain yourself to... is no one. 

You are valid because you were created and you exist. You are a wildflower in the sea of stars we call the Milky Way.

You, with every breath you take, are deserving and important. You are a gift from a higher consciousness, and that divine, mystical energy is a part of you right now. It may seem your life is as random as a leaf on a tree, but the thing is, no leaf is random. Each leaf ensures a delicate balance is achieved on each branch.

Sometimes, I will feel that I am valid because I believe in kindness. I boost my self-esteem by reminding myself I am a loving person.

​But even this is putting parameters and limits on what is important in this world. Who am I to say anger and angry people are less valid than I? And what about sad people? I used to be the saddest of them all. I was so depressed I scared the people closest to me. Would I, even for a second, consider that version of myself less valid, less worthy of the sunshine that radiates down? Of course not. Not even for a millisecond.

The same is true for other people who I don't always believe are acting in ways I wish they would. There are people who hurt me deeply in the past, and those very people were some of my biggest catalysts to get me to ask deeper questions, to seek what would ultimately become a path of meditation, curiosity and expansion of consciousness. I cannot say they are less worthy or less valid in their journey than I.

They are the leaf on the opposite side of the branch.

We may grow in opposite ways, but we also seek a certain harmony, a certain balance, a certain cohesion that often exists in a greater understanding than I usually look at them with.

And so today, I ask you to try, for the whole day, not to validate your existence.

​Do not feel you must justify who you are or where you are. Wherever you are, there you are, and thank you for being there. You don't need to win awards or promotions or even be considered a good person in order to feel perfectly content about being there. All you must do is turn your face up to the sky, feel the sun upon it, and know that what you feel and how you feel about yourself is between you and your cosmic creator.

​In my guided meditation Expect Miracles I ask you to start looking for miracles everywhere in your daily life.

​The more you see miracles, the more you will believe in them and the more they will show up. It's using the basic Universe principle energy flows where attention goes. When you think about something, and you feel good about it, it makes an energetic connection in the quantum field, which then manifests that thing in your physical life.

In other words, get excited about the miraculous nature of life and your life will become miraculous. 

Asking you to start looking for miracles everywhere can seem like a high order. Who in this world of struggle and conflict sees miracles all the time? All of us. It's simply a matter of changing your perspective. Miracles really are around us all the time, so long as we're willing to see them.

For real? I mean really. I'm just sitting here drinking my coffee. How is that miraculous?

The real question is, how is not?

Let's imagine you've just gotten a cup of joe from your favorite coffee shop. You're walking out with a paper cup full of piping hot dark roast. Let's take a look at that simple paper cup that's so magically holding your liquid from sloshing to the ground. And I do mean magically. Do you know that the atoms that compose you, me, cups, everything, never touch each other? That's right, it's an illusion. Between every single atom is an imperceptible cushion of space. 

The fact that the cup appears solid, and that your hand holding it appears solid, is one of the miraculous illusions of this world.

How does this happen? When atoms reach a certain point, they are no longer attracted to each other, but start to experience repulsion. The closer they get the stronger this repelling force is. Which means the more you try to force them together the stronger the force is pushing them apart. How strong? Stronger than any force we're capable of producing here on this Earth. Which means that two of the most microscopic building blocks of life area capable of exerting more strength, more POWER, than the strongest person alive.

The smallest pieces of this world contain power. That in itself is rather miraculous. You are created of those pieces. You are created of billions and billions of powerful atoms, atoms which are working in their own divinely intelligent and miraculous way to keep you together - or at least, seemingly together. Let's not forget those atoms like their space.

So this cup you have is kind of amazing, and we've barely scratched the surface of its fascinating makeup.

If you collapsed the empty space of a cup and somehow overpowered those powerful atoms, the actual dense matter of your cup would be less than a fraction of a grain of sand.

Along with there being space around atoms, there is also space within the atoms. Around each nucleus, electron and proton is also space. A lot of it. The world is much less dense than it appears. We just take for granted that the way our eyes process reality is the whole story.

It's not. Far from it.

Now we're starting to understand how wild and strange your cup is. But we should go deeper. Let's consider the material that makes up the cup and take a look at this paper receptacle. Paper's not special, right? Okay it's got that weird space between the atoms thing going on, but beside that, it's just paper.

Right?

Is anything just anything? Where did the paper actually come from? It didn't just appear as a cup in the coffee shop.

​It had to start as a tree. A tree has a protective layer of bark, which acts like your own skin, protecting its interior from the outside elements. It also has a system of veins that run sap up and down it in order to nourish the tree, much like your own blood system. A tree is a living, breathing part of this world. It's not just a tree.

But how do we even have trees that can be turned into paper? Where did the first tree come from?

In 2007, tree stumps that were 385 million years old were uncovered. Trees have been living and evolving on this earth longer than any human ancestor. A lot longer. About 379 million years longer. When you stand before a tree, you stand before something that connects back to a time that we know almost nothing about. The trees connect back to the mysterious and miraculous birth of life as we know it.

There's more to it than that. Trees are grown in special harvesting places called managed timberlands. The logs are shipped to sawmills for processing... oh but wait, that's not simple either. What are the trucks made of that ship the logs?

What about the person who drives the truck, the person who can never be again and was never before? That special person who is them self a cosmic mystery.

The tires for the truck had to be made, the metal was made somewhere. All of these separate parts of the earth turned into a truck, so that someone could ship logs to a processing plant to make paper.

And then there's the wax that lines the cup, which has its own mind boggling story of how it came to be. Nothing in this world is simple. Everything is connected to everything else. Those trees that make the paper? They were nourished by the water that cycles through the sky and earth, by the soil that has been on this planet for billions of years. When you hold paper, you hold something that is connected to all of time and creation on this planet. It's that amazing.

To say that the entire world conspires together to make a little cup that holds your coffee would be true. If that isn't miraculous, I don't know what is. Not to mention the fact that we've already established the cup itself, with all its space filled atoms, is miraculous in nature.

And that's just the cup. We didn't even get into the coffee inside of it. When you sip coffee, you sip something that is only made possible by a complex and fascinating series of events. It's something that passed through the hands of people half a world away, was shipped by fuels that came from inside the earth and was brewed by somebody who is made from the same materials as the stars in the sky. 

Everything in this world can be looked at in this way. Including you. Maybe even especially you.

​There are miracles all around us. Life is the miracle. You are a miracle.

It's often just a matter of change in perception to see how miraculous this life and world are. Why not take a moment and marvel at what's happening all around you right now? As I said in the beginning of this blog post, that which is like itself will be drawn to itself. Think about miracles, notice them, and notice how your life changes.

The above quote is from a recent article Michael Phelps wrote for espn.com. To read the full article go here.

When I came across this article, I felt a sense of relief and self-love wash over me. Although I work hard at loving myself and my own mental health journey, sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "It's okay. I get it."

While this website is all about healing, both individually and as a collective, I haven't said much about my own healing journey. I often see other speakers and writers putting their own stories out there, raw and gritty, and sharing their full truth. It always makes my heart drop a little and I feel like I'm failing. I feel scared and weak and like my self-love is a sham.

Of course, the truth is much more complicated - deep down I do fear parts of me are unworthy of love, but at the same time, acknowledging I'm not ready to share them is it's own form of self-love. 

One of the main reasons I don't like to go deep into my mental health is because it began so early for me. As I was learning the stigma around mental health, I was also learning that I was one of those people. I didn't know why I was filled with anger, sadness, and uncontrollable anxiety. I only knew it was considered abnormal and was something to be ashamed of. 

I worked hard to "fit in" and act nominal, which only caused all that I was suppressing to come out in explosive ways. I became self-destructive, which grew into more feelings I needed to suppress, which led to more smothering, which spiraled on and on until my family insisted I seek professional help.

I began therapy when I was 22, and I was so sure this was something I would be shunned for I didn't tell anyone. A lot has changed since then, and I am so grateful to all who speak out to normalize mental health. Things are changing, and the change is thankfully picking up momentum.

I'm now 38, and the landscape outside of me has changed in infinite ways. But the landscape inside of me hasn't yet caught up. I have not yet untangled all my deeply rooted associations between anxiety/depression/anger and shame/weakness/exile. Because of things that happened when I was younger, parts of me still fear I will end up alone and rejected if I share my full self.

I hope to one day love myself so fully, and so completely, that I can share all of me without fear. 

And to give myself a little nudge in that direction, I will share a story I've never told before. When I was about 10 years old I had a friend over. She was playing with a flute I had and I got mad she wouldn't give it back. I became so enraged I hit the flute and smashed it into her mouth.

As soon as I did it I felt ashamed. When her lip began to bleed I recoiled in horror at my self. I couldn't believe I'd lost control like that. I couldn't believe I'd hurt my friend and made her cry. Later, when my parents found out from her parents what I'd done, my parents yelled at me. They reiterated to me what I had already told myself - there was something wrong with me, I was a horrible person, and I deserved the shame that was eating me up inside.

I understand now, on a rational level, that the adults guiding me (who both had anger issues) were sending me confusing messages. I was being told one thing - your anger is bad - while being shown that their anger is normal and acceptable. However, on an emotional level, all I see is what I did wrong.

The parts of myself that are hardest for me to shine a light on, the ones that line my gut like oil, are not the ones about what happened to me. They're the ones where I'm the person who caused the pain. They're the ones where I lost control. Where I lashed out, physically or verbally, before I could stop myself. And where, later in life, I turned that buried anger on myself.

​They're the ones where I can't give forgiveness because I don't think I deserve it.

But I'm trying. I'm pulling at that thread, and eventually, the whole inner monologue of shame and guilt will unravel and let go. And what sweet relief it will be when it does so.