The Golden Thread wasn't just one of the first meditations I made. It WAS the first. This is the meditation that started it all.
It's been six years since I felt an unexpected but powerful surge of energy and inspiration. As soon as I decided I would make my own guided meditations, I felt myself come alive. It was as if I'd been plugged into an outlet. The words for The Golden Thread began pouring into me. I wrote it all out in a notebook, terrified and excited.
I had never made a meditation before. I'd never made any sort of recording before. I was overwhelmed with nervous energy. My fear of not being good enough ramped up into overdrive. When I sat to record the meditation, I could barely get the words out. I played my recording back and was horrified by how I sounded. My voice was strained and far from soothing. So I did it again. And again. And again.
During those early recordings, I constantly stumbled on my words. My voice was shaky. I had to stop often and breathe. I had no idea I had such a fear of being heard. I had no idea I felt so unworthy of sharing my ideas and my own voice.
The first time someone bought the meditation my entire body stiffened in anxiety. It did not bring me comfort or a sense of having done something right. I only felt more fear. I was terrified they'd feel they'd wasted not only their money, but also their time. I was haunted by the idea that someone would play my meditation and feel frustrated and annoyed. I actually believed people would feel worse from my meditations.
It's an ironic twist of fate that making guided meditations made me more nervous and insecure. Meditation should help us to feel calm and centered, right? And yet I was anything but.
I didn't know what to do except to keep going, to walk through the fire of my fear and find out what was on the other side.
And so I made more meditations, ones that addressed how I felt. I made the work I needed. I made meditations for deep fear, insecurity, and chronic stress. With each meditation, my work improved. I began to sound calm and sure of myself. I had no idea it would be such a labor of love to turn the vision in my head into reality.
Eventually, I took what I had learned and re-recorded The Golden Thread. And guess what? I later did it again. And then... I did it again. I'm now selling version 4 in my store, and this version fills my heart with love and pride.
Not only because I genuinely believe in the value of this version, but because of how I changed along the way.
I knew the only way I could truly share my work was if I learned to love not only it, but also myself. Tearing down my walls of self-loathing and criticism often felt like I was peeling off my skin. I was so uncomfortable and desperate I wanted to be someone else, to step into a new reality where I knew, deep inside, I was valuable and so was my work.
Of course, the only someone who could change my reality was me. And so I continued to make the work I needed. I made meditations that used visuals and words to shift my self-talk and connect me to my eternal spirit. I created meditations that connected me to something bigger than myself. I set out to find out what was beyond my fear, who I was outside of all this insecurity and mental chatter, and slowly but surely, it worked.
As the years went on, the tide began to turn and relief began to trickle in. I began to react to stress and fear different. I talked about my work different. I talked about myself different. In times of insecurity and doubt, I stopped and asked for help from a higher place. It was a slow transition, but each breath I took without a tight chest and a pit in my stomach inspired me to keep going. At my lowest point, I felt as if all the stress and fear might kill me. And in a way, it did.
At some point along the way, the old Melissa died.
The Melissa that feels alone, afraid, and unworthy perished in the process. The new me, the me that feels loved and supported, was created in her place. When I meditate, I like to send the old me love and to let her know I wouldn't be here without her. I give her gratitude and send waves of healing light to the times I was most afraid.
When I started this blog post it was going to be all about the healing power of The Golden Thread. I went in a different direction there, and since I don't want to turn this into a novel, I'm going to have to talk about the meditation itself another day. For now, I want to thank you for being a part of this journey.
You can learn more about The Golden Thread here. It's not isn't just my first meditation, it's my favorite.