Writing a blog about living a passionate life is an interesting thing. When I look back at past entries I can see clearly where I was and what I was feeling. It's like a graph in some ways, plotting my ups and downs. What I really enjoy about it is the more I share the deeper I have to dig into who I am and why I do things. So perhaps there's a lesson here in that for you. Perhaps you might consider starting a blog also as a way to breakthrough something. It might sound just like journaling, but when you write and share things knowing other people will read it you will gain a new perspective. You will discover clearly what you want to hide about yourself, why you want to hide it, and how you can overcome it. Don't worry how many people read your blog. If you do it from your heart you will find it serves the exact purpose its supposed to (and if you really do this, please tell me! I would love to read it!)
I've been going on a journey lately of increasing my self-confidence in the specific area of my writing. I used to be painfully insecure and shy in all areas, and I have come light years in that regard. It's part of why I created some of the meditations I did (in particular The Magic Cloud, which is still one of my favorites). However, I have been butting up against an inner wall lately, and its been driving me crazy. I can see I am ready to grow and develop an even deeper level of self-confidence, but it has been a pretty epic struggle.
Which is why I find this blog so interesting. I can see my recent posts were skewed more towards embracing the negative. Just saying, "I feel like shit and that's where I'm at." You can't make a wall go away in your physical life by closing your eyes. If you closed your eyes and walked into your bedroom wall you'd get nothing but a smack in the head. Our inner walls need the same acknowledgement, and once we've identified them, we can tear them down.
Today I'm feeling the freshness of knowing I made it through and I'm in a new space. I'm ready to face my challenges again with genuine positivity.
I had been diving head first into this self-confidence challenge before, with the Toast Masters and a public reading of my writing, but those things overwhelmed me and made me more anxious in the end. The fact that I felt so incapable and stuck really put me in a funk, thus leading to the negativity. But here's what i learned: it's important to try stuff even if it might initially make you feel worse. No matter what you do, and how it makes you feel, it's going to lead somewhere. It's going to lead to a breakthrough. So keep going, dive in, and when you need to, take a breather.
Had I avoided at all costs going to my dark place I would have stayed where I was. Comfortable. In a familiar space. But bored, unfulfilled and limited. Now that I'm through the darkness I feel more prepared to face my challenges. I've gained some knowledge, and I at least know what didn't work. I also have new ideas, new ways that are more aligned with me have shown up, and I have fresh energy for it. I'm feeling open and ready again. I don't think Toast Masters was for me, nor was public readings of my writing. But it opened me up to what was right. I discovered the 100 day dance challenge, and I also found a $300 course on building confidence through Udemy which, coincidentally, I was able to do for $10! The course perfectly aligns with where I'm at. It's all about building your self-confidence and it combines what I knew I wanted: the mental and spiritual aspects of changing beliefs, PLUS the very important step of taking action. It comes with challenges and exercises to try that I felt good about doing, rather than anxious. I'm super excited for this.
Wherever you're at, either in a funk and feeling like a swamp monster, or excited and about to take a big leap forward, I send you my support and well wishes. Every step leads to something. Even if it feels like a step backwards, it's okay, because any step you take is going to change your perspective and get you to realize something. What step can you take today?