Here I am

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were denying a big part of yourself? Over the past few days I've begun to realize how much I deny my fear of being vulnerable. I am starting to shine a light on the fact that I am quiet terrified of feeling exposed and open in front of people.

I didn't realize I had this fear because it relates so specifically to the things I create. I am afraid when it comes to my writing and other creative works. I'm not afraid when it comes to things like love or travel. I'm certainly not afraid to feel exposed in a foreign country, and I'm also ready and willing to plunge head first into a loving relationship. I suppose this is because these are very common things associated with feeling vulnerable. These things we are known to be afraid of. I was afraid of them in the past, and I decided I could and would change that.

However, when it comes to the things I create I was far less aware how much fear I had entangled into it. It wasn't a total shut out - I managed to go from chest crushing anxiety to feeling pretty good. But then I stopped before I really dug up the deep shit. I now see that all my attempts have been on the surface at best, and my unwillingness to go deep has made me turn away from a big part of myself. I suppose I owe myself an apology.

So I've decided it's time to get real. It's time for me to say, 'this is inside me, I put it there, and I'm done with it.' Because I really am. I'm really done with it. I have no idea how to overcome it, which is probably why I shoved all this in a metaphorical closet for so long. But facing the truth inside me is the first step. That's why today's photo is just me. No makeup or fancy clothes or Photoshop. Just me (and Pippi). Ready and willing to put myself out there. Anybody with me?

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