The Healing Sanctuary
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self_love_reflection_questions_from_the_healing_sanctuary.pdf | |
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Timestamps:
00:15 What we talked about last week (manifesting a healthy relationship)
00:33 The importance of self-love in having healthy relationships (platonic and romantic)
1:11 How was your self-relationship created? How did you learn to talk to yourself?
1:50 Why do we believe our own negative self-talk?
2:30 More on how you learned to talk to yourself. Why we valued our parents/caregivers opinion and treatment of us even when it was harmful and hurtful.
3:28 What our parents/caregivers were really teaching us (i.e. it wasn’t about us)
4:07 How do we develop the words we say to ourselves, and why is it different than what was actually said to us? Example at 4:19
5:38 How we process the world/ourselves as children
6:15 How we process the world as adults
7:00 How to view the adults who hurt us and played a part in the development of a negative self-relationship
8:29 How our external experiences as children get internalized as self-talk
10:06 Can we change our inner self-talk? Is change possible?
11:07 Step one in healing your self-relationship – get honest about the relationship you’re in
11:45 Let go of blaming yourself – you live in a world that encourages self-rejection and self-criticism
12:22 What I saw when I looked at my own self-relationship, and how I felt when I got honest with myself
14:04 Bringing compassion into your view of your self-relationship
14:56 Looking at ourselves is scary. Give yourself love and celebrate your courage
15:57 See the child within you who learned to be critical of you, and love them and give them space to heal
16:41 Looking at the critic within you in a new way and how to talk to the child within you
18:06 A tip for soothing and supporting your inner child
19:10 Beginning of reflection questions / Seeing your own self-relationship
36:25 End of reflection questions / conclusion / next steps
Episode Transcript
Healing Your Relationship with Your Self (Self-Love Healing)
Hello and welcome to The Healing Sanctuary! I’m your host, Melissa Field, and this week we’re talking about how to heal the relationship you have with your own self. Last week, I did an episode with a guided visualization for manifesting a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship. We began the visualization with a powerful exercise in self-love and positive and supportive self-talk. This is because the relationship you have with your own self determines all other relationships in your life. How you show up for your self sets the standard for how others will show up for you.
This week, I’m going to expand on that and focus on self-love and healing the relationship you have with you. We’re going to do a little discussion, and then we’ll go through some reflection questions that you can answer now, as you listen, or use them later as journal prompts. I’ll be sure and put them in a PDF that you can download to use on your own.
Essentially, the relationship you have with your own self was built upon the relationship you had with your care givers. Whoever was guiding your sense of self, whoever you spent the most time with, whether that be your parents, one parent, your grandparents, or legal guardians, created the foundation upon which you learned how to speak to yourself and treat yourself.
A lot of times, we believe we speak to ourselves critically or harshly because we somehow deserve it. We believe if we were worthy of love and positive self-talk, then we would feel that, and it would rise up on its own. We don’t remember creating the inner monologue that is negative and self-defeating, and so it feels as if it was always there, as if we were born this way because this is who we are. We believe we created this inner voice because we saw something in ourselves.
The truth is, the way you speak to yourself is an internalized reflection of the relationship you had with your immediate care givers. You learned how to treat yourself based on how the people raising you treated you. As a child, you looked to your care givers for everything about how to exist in this world. They fed you, clothed you, bathed you, and showed you how to be a person, and because we come into this world knowing nothing, they literally seemed to know everything, and so we take their perception of us as some kind of gospel. We internalize their treatment of us as a written in stone statement of who we are, when in fact, it is just a projection of their own relationship with their own self. How your parents or caregivers taught you to see yourself was entirely based on how they viewed their own self and their place in the world. Sometimes this projection is them just wanting us to be a version of who they are, and not allowing us to be our own individual self, which is different from them. It’s not wrong to be different, but because they are trying to conform us to who they think we should be, it feels wrong to be different.
This can be confusing, because the inner words we say to ourselves usually aren’t a direct repeat of what was said to us. So for example, if every time you went to your Dad for comfort when you were feeling sad or upset and he said, “I’m busy” and dismissed you, you may have internalized that as, “I’m not important,” or “I’m not loveable.” In no way were those words said to you, but the action of dismissal and rejection was filtered through your thought process and organized into the repeated inner thoughts, “I’m not loveable.” And because these exact words were never said, it seems as if these words are your real true voice, because where else would they have come from?
Where they came from was the actions of those who were supposed to be making you feel loved, valued and seen. They came to you as abstract experiences that your inner self, your inner child, processed in the only way it knew how. As a child, we don’t know how to take other people’s actions in perspective of their own self. The child who feels rejected by their Dad does not know that their Dad is deep in his own insecurity and fears, and unable to properly love anyone.
As an adult, we can look at other people’s behavior and know it’s not personal. We know that they are bringing a lifetime of experiences into every interaction, and that they see everything through their own filter and psyche. As children, it’s impossible to understand this, and so it does feel deeply personal. It does seem to say something about who we are. It’s not your fault that you internalized a critical relationship with your Self. It’s really a byproduct of a society and culture that has lost touch with the value of emotions, feelings, and compassion. Who we should actually blame and be angry at is a deeply complex thing, because we have to take in generational trauma, societal trauma that may have occurred from racism or prejudice, and all kinds of other things. How to view your parents or your caregivers and what happened between you is far beyond anything I could really tell you, and it’s something that will take time to work through. Getting a therapist or even a family therapist might help you to work through your feelings and experiences. Just know that you have a right to your feelings, your feelings are valid, and at the end of the day, if you choose to explore forgiveness, it’s not for them. It’s for your own peace of mind and healing, because you deserve to feel happy and free of your past.
So when we have repeated experiences as children that we internalize as rejection, we learn to reject our own self. We feel it’s normal to value other people over own self. And at the same time, we believe if we had been different, we would have been loved better or fully. We believe it's our own fault that we’re being rejected, because again, we still see these adults as being all-knowing. It's not until we become adults that we can see them for the complex, flawed, and fully human beings that they are. By that time, we have already internalized all the messaging that makes us feel worthless or incomplete or in desperate need of external love and approval.
Thankfully, we now know that brains are plastic, they’re malleable, and anything that was internalized can be changed. We can rewrite and reprogram our inner monologues. We can learn to speak to ourselves with kindness and love. We can learn to value ourselves and treat ourselves as the beautiful, divine beings that we are. We can completely reframe how we see ourselves and our own story, and in a way that is empowering, uplifting, and nourishing to our spirit.
So how do we change our inner self-talk? How do we reprogram our minds and heal our relationship with our own self?
We must first get honest about the relationship we’ve been nurturing for most of our lives. I know for me, a lot of my attention tends to go to those painful experiences from my childhood. I often look back at what was done to me, and I see the external experiences I had.
I rarely look at how those experiences were internalized, and about how I in turn began to treat myself the same way. One of the most painful experiences of my adult life was realizing that I had picked up the torch of my abusers and run with it. The way I spoke to myself was so cruel and vicious, I can only call what I did to my own self destructive. To realize that I had left a painful experience behind and then replicated it over and over onto my own self was kind of devastating.
The really hard thing about this that I still struggle with is not getting stuck on self-blame. I’m still working on forgiving myself and having compassion for myself, and I think that’s a pretty common thing. There’s always this sense that we should have known better, we should have healed this sooner, and just know, no matter how dark or critical your relationship with your self is, you are not alone. You are not failing at self-love. You are handling it the same way millions of other people are, and you’re doing the best you can with the information and experiences that you had.
Healing your relationship with your own self begins first with seeing that child within you, and letting them know they are doing an incredible job of navigating all these confusing, hurtful, and even traumatic experiences. Let them know that they aren’t supposed to know how to handle this, that the people guiding them are supposed to love and support them, and it’s extremely confusing when the people guiding you are also the ones making you sad, confused, and even scared.
And then see the inner critic within you, the part of you that cuts you down and hurts you, as that sweet child, as that brave child doing the best they can, and give that child all the love and support and kindness and compassion they need. Tell them over and over, you are loved, you are safe, and you are incredibly brave and resilient. Let them know that you don’t blame them, because they’re just a kid, and they whole point of being a kid is to learn and grow.
They’re not supposed to know everything, they’re not supposed to be the adult in the room, and it’s okay that they’re confused about how to love and support their own self. It’s okay. And it’s going to get better.
And now you, as the adult you are, look into your inner child and say, “I know it’s been hard. But there’s an adult here now. I’m here. Let me take over. You have a rest and go relax, and I’ll manage things now.”
Saying to myself, “It’s okay, you can relax, there’s an adult here now,” is something I learned from a therapist for helping with my anxiety, and I have to tell you, it’s been a huge help. It’s something I would encourage you to try whenever you feel yourself reacting as a wounded child, and rather than as that competent and capable adult that you are.
I now what you to just take a moment to reflect on the relationship you have with your Self. You might want to call up your inner monologue and how you talk to yourself. You might see it in a visual way, and see yourself standing before yourself, and notice if you radiate anger or frustration, and just see how you treat yourself. Just sit with your own self and let an honest picture of your self-relationship come forth, and if any judgement comes up just say, “Thank you but no” and let it go.
Now that you have an idea what your relationship with your self is like, I want you to remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
Everyone struggles with their self-talk, and there is nothing wrong with what you saw. I promise you that whatever horrible thing you have thought about yourself, I have done the same. I talk to myself like I am the most worthless, vile, piece of shit sometimes, and it’s sometimes so constant I don’t even realize I’m doing it. So whatever you see in yourself, remember that it's a reflection of what you internalized, and not a reflection of who you are as a person. And also, I have a couple of episodes dedicated entirely to negative self talk and intrusive thoughts, so if you’re deep in the struggle, I completely relate, and you can always dive deeper into this on those episodes.
And now I want you to tell yourself the nicest compliment you can. Speak to yourself with the love you would give to your best friend, and keep repeating the compliment and let it grow, perhaps allowing in other kind words, just repeating these words of love and kindness.
Now I want you to tell yourself all the reasons you are worthy of love.
And now tell yourself what makes you strong, brave, and courageous. Remind yourself of what you’ve overcome, the times you went outside your comfort zone, and what you’re truly capable of.
Now remind yourself of your positive qualities. Remind yourself of your gifts, talents and strengths. If these are hard to think of, then start by asking yourself what you like. What are your hobbies and interests? Sometimes by looking at what we’re drawn to, we can see it’s showing us a positive quality in our self.
And now I want you to see yourself the way the creator of the universe would see you. Imagine that you have been created by the Divine source of all that is, and that this Divine energy is looking at you right now. It is holding you in its gaze of unconditional love. What does it see?
And now give that love to your own self. See your own self the way the creator of the Universe would see you. See your own self with that unconditional love.
Now I want you to take a big, deep breath, and as you do so, repeat to yourself, “I’m here. I’m with you.”
And now do that again, and repeat to yourself, “I see you. I hear you. I’m listening.” And as you do this, affirm that what you see and hear within yourself is important to you. Let yourself know that what you feel and experience is a priority to your own self.
And now I want you to think of something you want to accomplish, a dream or goal, and give yourself the best pep talk you’ve ever received. Let yourself know you are worthy of this, and all the reasons why you can do it.
And now, think of something about your own self that you really struggle with. It might be about your body, how intelligent you think you are, just something that you really get down on yourself about. And then tell yourself all the words you need to hear. Tell yourself all the soothing and supportive things that your heart is yearning for.
And now I want you to tell yourself what you are worthy of and deserve in a partner. How should someone treat you? What do you want and value that are worthy of having?
And with that, I am going to finish, because the previous episode was all about cultivating a healthy relationship and feeling worthy of it. So if you’d like to continue on with seeing yourself being loved and valued by another person, then go back to the previous episode and try that visualization.
And if you would like to work on your self-love more, then you may want to consider joining my private meditation and visualization membership. It’s also called The Healing Sanctuary, and it includes over 100 audios for self-love, chakra healing, empowering yourself, creating your dream life, and more. You will also an exclusive new meditation or visualization each week. It’s only $5 / month and you can learn more on my website melissa-field.com, through my Instagram @meditate_with_melissa, or through the link in my episode notes.
There will also be a link in my episode notes that will take you to a page on my website that has the self-love questions we just went over as a PDF for you to reference again or to share with someone.
Thank you so much for listening and supporting The Healing Sanctuary. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a rating so that others can discover this podcast and get the healing they need also. I am so grateful you’re here, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.
This meditation will help motivate you to stay on track with your goals and routines. You can use it to stay on track with something you’re working on, or to build an entirely new habit or practice.
Hello and welcome to The Healing Sanctuary! I’m your host, Melissa Field, and this week we’re talking about how to heal the relationship you have with your own self. Last week, I did an episode with a guided visualization for manifesting a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship. We began the visualization with a powerful exercise in self-love and positive and supportive self-talk. This is because the relationship you have with your own self determines all other relationships in your life. How you show up for your self sets the standard for how others will show up for you.
This week, I’m going to expand on that and focus on self-love and healing the relationship you have with you. We’re going to do a little discussion, and then we’ll go through some reflection questions that you can answer now, as you listen, or use them later as journal prompts. I’ll be sure and put them in a PDF that you can download to use on your own.
Essentially, the relationship you have with your own self was built upon the relationship you had with your care givers. Whoever was guiding your sense of self, whoever you spent the most time with, whether that be your parents, one parent, your grandparents, or legal guardians, created the foundation upon which you learned how to speak to yourself and treat yourself.
A lot of times, we believe we speak to ourselves critically or harshly because we somehow deserve it. We believe if we were worthy of love and positive self-talk, then we would feel that, and it would rise up on its own. We don’t remember creating the inner monologue that is negative and self-defeating, and so it feels as if it was always there, as if we were born this way because this is who we are. We believe we created this inner voice because we saw something in ourselves.
The truth is, the way you speak to yourself is an internalized reflection of the relationship you had with your immediate care givers. You learned how to treat yourself based on how the people raising you treated you. As a child, you looked to your care givers for everything about how to exist in this world. They fed you, clothed you, bathed you, and showed you how to be a person, and because we come into this world knowing nothing, they literally seemed to know everything, and so we take their perception of us as some kind of gospel. We internalize their treatment of us as a written in stone statement of who we are, when in fact, it is just a projection of their own relationship with their own self. How your parents or caregivers taught you to see yourself was entirely based on how they viewed their own self and their place in the world. Sometimes this projection is them just wanting us to be a version of who they are, and not allowing us to be our own individual self, which is different from them. It’s not wrong to be different, but because they are trying to conform us to who they think we should be, it feels wrong to be different.
This can be confusing, because the inner words we say to ourselves usually aren’t a direct repeat of what was said to us. So for example, if every time you went to your Dad for comfort when you were feeling sad or upset and he said, “I’m busy” and dismissed you, you may have internalized that as, “I’m not important,” or “I’m not loveable.” In no way were those words said to you, but the action of dismissal and rejection was filtered through your thought process and organized into the repeated inner thoughts, “I’m not loveable.” And because these exact words were never said, it seems as if these words are your real true voice, because where else would they have come from?
Where they came from was the actions of those who were supposed to be making you feel loved, valued and seen. They came to you as abstract experiences that your inner self, your inner child, processed in the only way it knew how. As a child, we don’t know how to take other people’s actions in perspective of their own self. The child who feels rejected by their Dad does not know that their Dad is deep in his own insecurity and fears, and unable to properly love anyone.
As an adult, we can look at other people’s behavior and know it’s not personal. We know that they are bringing a lifetime of experiences into every interaction, and that they see everything through their own filter and psyche. As children, it’s impossible to understand this, and so it does feel deeply personal. It does seem to say something about who we are. It’s not your fault that you internalized a critical relationship with your Self. It’s really a byproduct of a society and culture that has lost touch with the value of emotions, feelings, and compassion. Who we should actually blame and be angry at is a deeply complex thing, because we have to take in generational trauma, societal trauma that may have occurred from racism or prejudice, and all kinds of other things. How to view your parents or your caregivers and what happened between you is far beyond anything I could really tell you, and it’s something that will take time to work through. Getting a therapist or even a family therapist might help you to work through your feelings and experiences. Just know that you have a right to your feelings, your feelings are valid, and at the end of the day, if you choose to explore forgiveness, it’s not for them. It’s for your own peace of mind and healing, because you deserve to feel happy and free of your past.
So when we have repeated experiences as children that we internalize as rejection, we learn to reject our own self. We feel it’s normal to value other people over own self. And at the same time, we believe if we had been different, we would have been loved better or fully. We believe it's our own fault that we’re being rejected, because again, we still see these adults as being all-knowing. It's not until we become adults that we can see them for the complex, flawed, and fully human beings that they are. By that time, we have already internalized all the messaging that makes us feel worthless or incomplete or in desperate need of external love and approval.
Thankfully, we now know that brains are plastic, they’re malleable, and anything that was internalized can be changed. We can rewrite and reprogram our inner monologues. We can learn to speak to ourselves with kindness and love. We can learn to value ourselves and treat ourselves as the beautiful, divine beings that we are. We can completely reframe how we see ourselves and our own story, and in a way that is empowering, uplifting, and nourishing to our spirit.
So how do we change our inner self-talk? How do we reprogram our minds and heal our relationship with our own self?
We must first get honest about the relationship we’ve been nurturing for most of our lives. I know for me, a lot of my attention tends to go to those painful experiences from my childhood. I often look back at what was done to me, and I see the external experiences I had.
I rarely look at how those experiences were internalized, and about how I in turn began to treat myself the same way. One of the most painful experiences of my adult life was realizing that I had picked up the torch of my abusers and run with it. The way I spoke to myself was so cruel and vicious, I can only call what I did to my own self destructive. To realize that I had left a painful experience behind and then replicated it over and over onto my own self was kind of devastating.
The really hard thing about this that I still struggle with is not getting stuck on self-blame. I’m still working on forgiving myself and having compassion for myself, and I think that’s a pretty common thing. There’s always this sense that we should have known better, we should have healed this sooner, and just know, no matter how dark or critical your relationship with your self is, you are not alone. You are not failing at self-love. You are handling it the same way millions of other people are, and you’re doing the best you can with the information and experiences that you had.
Healing your relationship with your own self begins first with seeing that child within you, and letting them know they are doing an incredible job of navigating all these confusing, hurtful, and even traumatic experiences. Let them know that they aren’t supposed to know how to handle this, that the people guiding them are supposed to love and support them, and it’s extremely confusing when the people guiding you are also the ones making you sad, confused, and even scared.
And then see the inner critic within you, the part of you that cuts you down and hurts you, as that sweet child, as that brave child doing the best they can, and give that child all the love and support and kindness and compassion they need. Tell them over and over, you are loved, you are safe, and you are incredibly brave and resilient. Let them know that you don’t blame them, because they’re just a kid, and they whole point of being a kid is to learn and grow.
They’re not supposed to know everything, they’re not supposed to be the adult in the room, and it’s okay that they’re confused about how to love and support their own self. It’s okay. And it’s going to get better.
And now you, as the adult you are, look into your inner child and say, “I know it’s been hard. But there’s an adult here now. I’m here. Let me take over. You have a rest and go relax, and I’ll manage things now.”
Saying to myself, “It’s okay, you can relax, there’s an adult here now,” is something I learned from a therapist for helping with my anxiety, and I have to tell you, it’s been a huge help. It’s something I would encourage you to try whenever you feel yourself reacting as a wounded child, and rather than as that competent and capable adult that you are.
I now what you to just take a moment to reflect on the relationship you have with your Self. You might want to call up your inner monologue and how you talk to yourself. You might see it in a visual way, and see yourself standing before yourself, and notice if you radiate anger or frustration, and just see how you treat yourself. Just sit with your own self and let an honest picture of your self-relationship come forth, and if any judgement comes up just say, “Thank you but no” and let it go.
Now that you have an idea what your relationship with your self is like, I want you to remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
Everyone struggles with their self-talk, and there is nothing wrong with what you saw. I promise you that whatever horrible thing you have thought about yourself, I have done the same. I talk to myself like I am the most worthless, vile, piece of shit sometimes, and it’s sometimes so constant I don’t even realize I’m doing it. So whatever you see in yourself, remember that it's a reflection of what you internalized, and not a reflection of who you are as a person. And also, I have a couple of episodes dedicated entirely to negative self talk and intrusive thoughts, so if you’re deep in the struggle, I completely relate, and you can always dive deeper into this on those episodes.
And now I want you to tell yourself the nicest compliment you can. Speak to yourself with the love you would give to your best friend, and keep repeating the compliment and let it grow, perhaps allowing in other kind words, just repeating these words of love and kindness.
Now I want you to tell yourself all the reasons you are worthy of love.
And now tell yourself what makes you strong, brave, and courageous. Remind yourself of what you’ve overcome, the times you went outside your comfort zone, and what you’re truly capable of.
Now remind yourself of your positive qualities. Remind yourself of your gifts, talents and strengths. If these are hard to think of, then start by asking yourself what you like. What are your hobbies and interests? Sometimes by looking at what we’re drawn to, we can see it’s showing us a positive quality in our self.
And now I want you to see yourself the way the creator of the universe would see you. Imagine that you have been created by the Divine source of all that is, and that this Divine energy is looking at you right now. It is holding you in its gaze of unconditional love. What does it see?
And now give that love to your own self. See your own self the way the creator of the Universe would see you. See your own self with that unconditional love.
Now I want you to take a big, deep breath, and as you do so, repeat to yourself, “I’m here. I’m with you.”
And now do that again, and repeat to yourself, “I see you. I hear you. I’m listening.” And as you do this, affirm that what you see and hear within yourself is important to you. Let yourself know that what you feel and experience is a priority to your own self.
And now I want you to think of something you want to accomplish, a dream or goal, and give yourself the best pep talk you’ve ever received. Let yourself know you are worthy of this, and all the reasons why you can do it.
And now, think of something about your own self that you really struggle with. It might be about your body, how intelligent you think you are, just something that you really get down on yourself about. And then tell yourself all the words you need to hear. Tell yourself all the soothing and supportive things that your heart is yearning for.
And now I want you to tell yourself what you are worthy of and deserve in a partner. How should someone treat you? What do you want and value that are worthy of having?
And with that, I am going to finish, because the previous episode was all about cultivating a healthy relationship and feeling worthy of it. So if you’d like to continue on with seeing yourself being loved and valued by another person, then go back to the previous episode and try that visualization.
And if you would like to work on your self-love more, then you may want to consider joining my private meditation and visualization membership. It’s also called The Healing Sanctuary, and it includes over 100 audios for self-love, chakra healing, empowering yourself, creating your dream life, and more. You will also an exclusive new meditation or visualization each week. It’s only $5 / month and you can learn more on my website melissa-field.com, through my Instagram @meditate_with_melissa, or through the link in my episode notes.
There will also be a link in my episode notes that will take you to a page on my website that has the self-love questions we just went over as a PDF for you to reference again or to share with someone.
Thank you so much for listening and supporting The Healing Sanctuary. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a rating so that others can discover this podcast and get the healing they need also. I am so grateful you’re here, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.
This meditation will help motivate you to stay on track with your goals and routines. You can use it to stay on track with something you’re working on, or to build an entirely new habit or practice.
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