Why We Need to Stop Using the Expression "It Wasn't Meant to Be"

​There's this phrase that has become so synonymous with a spiritual and zen approach to life that I hear it all the time now. I'm sure you've heard it. Maybe you've even said it. It's the thing we say or think when we didn't get what we wanted, or it didn't turn out how we thought it should.

It just wasn't meant to be.

This phrase, or some similar spin on it, i.e. Well, only a few people showed up, but they were the people who were meant to - or - I wanted to sell more, but I trust I sold the amount I was meant to, has become our de rigueur response to setbacks. This phrasing is meant to be a signal to the Universe that we trust in the process. We trust that things are working out for us.

But you know how it often comes across? It comes across like giving up. It comes across as just accepting things, as they are. It's like saying, "Hey, that didn't work out and I AGREE THAT IT SHOULDN'T HAVE."

Whoa. Hold up.

You don't ever have to agree that it's okay for your dreams and hopes to be dashed. Listen up friend. You are the creator of your life. You can accept or reject anything at anytime.

You don't ever to have accept, like you are some feather blowing in the wind, that this is it.

When you don't get what you want, let it be known. Embrace that you're disappointed, feel into that, which can feel quiet vulnerable, and give it a big ole freakin' hug. Let the Universe know, "Hey, I know you're out there, and I know you hear me. The thing is, I really had my heart set on that. Show me in perfect clarity why that didn't line up. Show me what was going on in my subconscious. And then show me what inspired steps I can take to get where I was had envisioned!"

The reason this phrase feels like giving up is because people aren't infusing it with the feeling of what they really want. Rather than saying to myself, "It wasn't meant to be," when I don't get what I was expecting, I tell myself, "That didn't work out how I wanted. I'm going to get clear on why, and take the necessary steps in order to get something closer to what I wanted."

​Nine out of ten times, things don't work out for me for two reasons:

1. Deep down, I was really scared to get what I wanted, so I blocked it.
2. I didn't believe I was worthy of the thing I wanted, so I sabotaged myself with self-doubt.

As an example, I recently sent in a screenplay to an agent I really REALLY wanted to work with. I never heard back from her, and I began to wonder what had happened.

Here's the moment where I might say to myself, "It just wasn't meant to be."

But I don't believe in doing that. I believe in trust and letting go and letting God, full on, don't get me wrong. But I also believe that I am the creator of my life. So when that happened, I sat down to reflect. I realized I was still scared of things actually working out because I would feel incredibly far out of my comfort zone. With that realization, I was able to work with my fears, to acknowledge them so that they could rise up and clear out.

If I simply told myself, "It wasn't meant to be," I would've missed out on some much needed insight.

I would have missed the opportunity to re-infuse my goal with excitement and passion. After stepping back, I breathed new life into all the reasons why I'd started writing that script in the first place. Free falling through my disappointment and fear around the experience was difficult, but it allowed me to get to the root of my own limiting feelings, set them free, and then set my dream on fire again.

When I think to myself, It wasn't meant to be, I feel blasé, even apathetic. These words are NOT the energy of excitement and passion. And if what you want is something that lights you up, then you've got to match that vibration.

By just declaring, "Oh well, that one wasn't for me," I would continue to get the same results. Which I don't want. So I rejected the rejection, cleared the energy slate, and thought about why I want this. I thought about what makes me excited and energized about writing. 

Be clear about what you're telling yourself and why you're doing it. And then, adjust accordingly. This is your life.  You are the creator of your life. Please stop giving your power away in a false sense of surrender. True surrender is a beautiful thing, but let's stop idolizing pseudo surrender, which is defeating.

Own those moments of disappointment, feel how courageous you are, and let that drive you forwards.

Next time the outcome falls far short of what you were envisioning, try something like this instead,

"It WAS meant to be. I deserve all the good things I can dream of and MORE. I will work with my fears and doubts so that I no longer feel I'm being let down. This disappointment showed up to show me something about myself - but it's not the final word. Listen up world, it IS meant to be, and I'm asking you to fulfill my original request, as it was or in a surprising way, and then some!