​I have been reflecting lately on a story I began telling myself when I was 22.

​It was at this time, that I dropped out of college for good. I was suffering from severe depression and failing class after class. At the time, mental health was not addressed in the way it is now, and so I just sort of floundered, feeling that if I wasn't such a failure, I wouldn't be making such a mess of everything.

Considering I left the year I should have graduated, I was surrounded by people who DID graduate. All of my friends got their degrees, and I began to tell myself a story that would stick with me for nearly two decades after.

As my friends graduated, they got their first post-college jobs. Jobs you could only get if you had a college degree. Some went to work for big companies, like Netflix and Walmart. Some jumped around, trying out different jobs, all while exploring their adult lives in a way I could only watch with awe and jealousy. 

I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel capable and like I was progressing in my own life. I wanted to feel like I was a part of the world, but instead, I felt shut out and alone.

The job I got was cleaning after hours at my dad's office. Cleaning is by no means a bad job, and I recognize the hard work and ambition of all who become home and office cleaners.

​The problem was, everyone around me was doing something vastly different, and I began to determine who I was based on the perspective I was standing in.

What I saw, based on my limited information, were people with something of value. They had a degree, they had something that people wanted, and therefore, they had value. I did not have this thing, and therefore, I concluded I had no value. I was on a much lower level, and this is where my mind got stuck for many, many years.

It makes me sad to write this and to think about how much of my life I've spent repeating this story ad nauseum. If there was any evidence to the contrary, anything that said, "You have value and the world needs you!" I disregarded it as anomalous. Surely these messages were a mistake, because I saw so many other messages that said, "Worthless. Incapable. Loser," and those I determined to be the truth.

​I held onto those messages that hurt like heavy rocks that I somehow felt I couldn't live without.

At this point, you may want to shake me by the shoulders at the faultiness of my thinking. How could I have determined my entire sense of self-worth based on whether or not I graduated from college? There are so many people who went on to be wildly successful who never graduated, or who never even went at all. And there are those who never went to college, never felt much desire to be ambitious, and lived a happy and fulfilling life based on what felt good to them.

But that's the thing with stories. They aren't based on the full truth. They are only based on glimpses of reality that we blow up and piece together in a way that satisfies our own inner narrative. 

When I look back, I can see how easily this story fit my sense of self at the time. I had no way of knowing what I would do with myself. I had no way of knowing I would one day create my own guided meditations, and offer something to the world that I really do believe has value. I only had what I knew then - which was a sense of failure and worthlessness.

I looked around at everyone around me, which was in itself a very limited perspective, and made a conclusion so fixed I may as well have carved it into stone.

​It's incredible to me to look back and consider how much information I filtered out so that I could affirm this ONE story about myself over and over. 

I wish I could go back in time and talk to 22 year old Melissa. I wish I could tell her not to determine her entire life's value based on .02% of the information she is seeing. I wish I could hug her and tell her she's going to be okay, and there is beautiful path ahead of her, completely unique to her.

But I cannot go back in time. I cannot change what's done. And so I can only start a new chapter. One I write with more information, and from a place of love and self-acceptance I never allowed myself before.

I don't just want to start a new chapter though. I want to start a whole new book.

​I want to look at a blank page and ask myself honestly, "Who are you? What is the story you want to tell about yourself?" I want to fill my new pages with love and hope. And I want to fill them in such a way that I look back 20 years from now and think, now that's a hell of a good story.

In a few weeks, I will be releasing a Beginner's Meditation Course. This course is for anyone who would like to develop a regular meditation practice. This course is for you if:

•  You've never meditated before
•  You've struggled to make meditation a regular practice
•  You've struggled to enjoy meditation
• ​ You want a series of meditations you can use every day

​Although this course is designed for people who have never meditated before, it can be used by anyone who wants to deepen or build upon their existing meditation experience. This course is designed to be simple, accessible, and enjoyable.

It is built around a stacking system, meaning each day you will have a meditation that is slightly longer than the day before. You will start with a two minute meditation, which will introduce you to the basic concepts of focusing on your breath for relaxation, calm, and self-awareness.

Although two minutes might seem too short for a meditation, it will in fact give you a brief experience with mindfulness. By beginning with this short meditation, you will build confidence in your ability to meditate. After the 2 minute meditation, you will move onto 4 minutes, then 6, and so on, until you reach 20 minutes.

If, at any time during the course, you find yourself unable to finish a meditation, you can stop and go back to a previous length. The goal of this course is not to finish as fast possible, but rather to begin an experience in self-awareness and listening to yourself. If you get to the 8 minute meditation, and you find you cannot sit still and it's unpleasant, you have the option of going back to any previous meditation. 

You can even go back to the 2 minute meditation, because sometimes what you need most is to just hit pause. The 2 minute meditation is a wonderful one to use when you don't want to break your meditation streak, but you also don't want to force yourself to sit in silence when you're not feeling it.

Because this course has 10 meditations of various lengths, you will have meditations that you can use any day. Each meditation will offer a chance to breathe, relax, and tune into the stillness that lives within you. 

This course will also include 5 bonus meditations. These meditations will be available to use when you want to experiment with styles different from what the course uses. The course will be priced at $9.99. However, anyone who signs up early will be able to get it for only $7.99.

In order to get a feel for the style of meditation in this course, you can try the 2 minute meditation right now (use the SoundCloud player above). If you find this meditation easy and enjoyable, I encourage you to share this with someone you think might benefit also.

To be notified when the course is released, signup using the box below! You will only be put on the list to be notified of the release - this does NOT put you onto a recurring newsletter list.

When you order The Heart Chakra Healing package, you will get an exclusive healing meditation that is not available anywhere else. This 15 minute meditation will bring in divine healing to not only your heart chakra, but your mind, body and soul. It's deeply healing and is a powerful way to connect to and reawaken your self-love.

Along with this meditation, your package includes a bonus 5 minute heart chakra meditation, plus four other heart healing meditations. You'll get a workbook, healing affirmation audio, and heart chakra sound healing audio.

Preview the exclusive heart chakra healing meditation below. To learn more about this package click the button "learn more". For a limited time, you can get this package for 25% off with the code "Heal25"!

Many years ago, a friend told me about a documentary called Kumare. It was about a man who wanted to examine and expose the concept of gurus. Is there truly something divine about gurus? Or are they merely self-aggrandizing people whose perception of reality is distorted in their own favor?

Vikram Ghandi, the creator of this documentary, decided that there was only one way to find out. He would try to become a guru, and if he could do it, then perhaps it would prove that gurus are in no way gifted with divine, god-like energy. They are just people who, for whatever reason, believe in their own ability to shine.

And it's this very thing - the ability to radiate so brightly from within that people are drawn to you - Vikram wanted to prove is within everyone. His intention wasn't so much to expose that gurus are fake, but to help everyone realize they are as spiritual, wise, and worthy as the gurus. The only difference is, the non-gurus haven't learned how to believe in themselves.

When I first watched this movie, I was all in with what Vikram was doing. I was already feeling wary of the side of spirituality that can be dark and exlpoitative. I was aware of several current "gurus" who are really cult leaders, and also of a spiritual retreat that had ended in manslaughter charges due to the reckless and narcissistic behavior of the out of control leader.

I felt the film was thought provoking and did a good job of reinforcing the message it was trying to say. I left it feeling Vikram had done well, and that his work was an excellent contribution to the conversation around spirituality, healing, and faith work.

However, upon recent reflection, I began to feel different. I began to feel I hadn't been compassionate enough to the people who were conned by Vikram. In truth, I hadn't even seen them as being conned. I saw them more as accidental participants in a much needed experiment. I can see now how my need to feel an emotional distance from them sprang from my need not to see myself reflected in them.

The people who showed up to meet and interact with Vikram were in a vulnerable and trusting place. They were sometimes in great pain, and they were looking for a way out. They were not looking to feel duped, which in truth, would only increase their pain and sense of unworthiness.

And I myself was often drowning in deep, bottomless pain then. I couldn't get a hold on my anxiety. I hated everything I did and almost everything about myself. I often wanted to escape my own self, and this inability to be at peace with myself had led me to continuously seek relief and answers. I  was constantly looking for answers outside of myself, whether that be in teachers, writers, speakers, or energy healers. I was desperate for someone to tell me my unhappiness could be resolved externally. In truth, all I needed, all I ever needed, was to look inside and just say, "I accept you as you are."

When I watched Kumare again, I could see how, at any given time in my life, I could be the person who was being set up for the "gotcha!" moment. Had I come across Vikram while I was desperately seeking relief, I very well could have been the person in the film that others were watching with disbelief at their gullibility.

And I would have been angry. I would have felt betrayed. I would not have responded with warmth and acceptance in support of the bigger picture. I think it would have torn me up inside, which is hard to admit, because I really do believe it's a good documentary.

How then do I reconcile my knowledge that I myself wouldn't want to be subject to this, while recognizing this film helped me and continues to help me?

I thought maybe by rewatching the film I'd find some clarity. However, when I got to the end, I did not have a clearer sense of yes, this was a good thing, or no, this was wrong. It's a complicated concept, made more nuanced as Kumare, or Vikram, begins to question what he's doing as the film progresses.

I will say, on this viewing I felt much more empathy for the people who became followers of Kumare. Whereas before, I felt almost snide about their need to feel special through a connection to him, this time I just felt that they were honest and kind people searching for a sense of purpose and belonging. I believe my compassion for them is a reflection of my growing compassion for myself. I don't judge them now because I don't judge myself as much. My evolving inner acceptance and self-love allowed me to see myself in these people, not in an embarrassing way where I had to self-consciously laugh at myself, but in a loving and humbling way.

At the same time, it's also a fascinating journey through the power of belief. If you can make people believe something works, and thereby help them to heal, is it wrong you know you made it up? Why is belief so powerful? What is the mind truly capable of? 

All in all, I believe it's a film worth watching and discussing. It will give you a lot to think about. It's also a great film to watch with skeptics and non-believers, as you will probably feel both your sides are validated and have a lot to talk about. I know it did for me, considering I'm still thinking and writing about it all these years after I first saw it.

And for those that saw Kumare teach the "Blue Light" meditation in the film, I have made a version of it! I was so curious what I would feel, as it seemed to have a profound effect on people, that I couldn't resist exploring it for myself. Now that I've made a real meditation inspired by a fake guru, does that mean Kumare was actually a real guru? Who knows. I believe the answer is different for everyone. You can find out more about my Blue Light meditation here. And you can currently find the Kumare documentary on Tubi.
​

​When it comes to imposter phenomenon, or as it's more commonly known, "imposter syndrome", I often feel a sense that someone else belongs more than me. For example, with these meditations, I will often feel someone has done it better or will do it better, and I just don't belong in the arena at all.

I feel like I should be on the outside, looking in at the people who are doing it right. I feel as if I'm going to be grabbed by my shoulders, shaken, and demand an explanation as to why I thought I, of all people, believed I was good enough to do this.

The funny thing is, I don't ever fear this should happen to other people. I don't question if other people should make meditations or workbooks. I don't question if they're valid. It's as if this only applies to me, and I'm the only fraudulent person in a sea of qualified "real" people.

The even funnier thing is, nearly everyone else feels this way too. So if we all feel like we're the imposter, and surely everyone else is good enough, where exactly are all these so-called overly qualified people?

The topic of imposter phenomenon came up for me today as I listened to a podcast on NPR. As they said, it was originally coined as "imposter phenomenon" and not syndrome, because syndrome applies it's something that can be diagnosed and cured.

Does that mean there's no cure to this often-times crippling feeling? At the time time, no. There's no cure. But there are tools a person can learn to manage it. And if you can manage it, you can still go after all those goals and dreams.

What really helped me, was to reshift what I wanted my end result to be. I let go of the need to be perfect (which is really a need to avoid criticism), and let the new goal to be satisfied. Now, my goal is not to be perfect. Or to be the best. Or to arrive knowing everything. My goal is to do a good job, and to know I did the best I could.

This sounds simple, but it really did feel like a huge weight fell off as I thought about it. Once I let go of perfectionism, and gave myself permission to aim for my own self-defined version of complete, I felt much freer and lighter. I also felt as if I was operating within realisitic parameters, and not setting myself up for failure.

And I believe it's this fear of falling short of perfect that leads to the feeling of being an imposter. I have let go of the need to show up being the best, because honestly, what is the point of life if I start at the finish line? I'm now giving myself permission to grow and learn and explore my creations through my own unique learning process. And through that process, I have no doubt I'll create far better work than anything I would've done that was "perfect."

I've put the episode of NPR below. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

I recently revised and updated my Crown Chakra Healing package. While doing so, I replaced an old meditation (one of the first ones I ever made!) with a brand new one. This new meditation is definitely one of my favorites, and I've even been playing it to fall asleep at night.

The Golden Ball meditation will deeply connect you to your Higher Self while bringing healing into your mind and body. It's very soothing and can be used for relaxation, healing and deep meditation. Right now, there are two lengths included - a 15 minute version and a 25 minute version. I'm planning on adding a 1 hour version for anyone else who uses it as a sleep aid. If you buy now, you will automatically be updated when I add that.

With the two versions, you'll be able to choose between a lighter and deeper meditation experience. When I add the one hour version the price will go up slightly. Click the button below to learn more and purchase this powerful meditation!