Whenever I'm working on a creative project there's always a moment when I begin to doubt everything I'm doing.
I start looking at what I've written and feel it's stupid. I feel my idea's are stupid. I feel everyone is going to think everything I do is stupid, and they'll wonder why I ever thought I was worthy of their time or energy.
As I was putting together a journal for this website, those doubts began to sneak up on me. They kept whispering from behind me, No one is going to like this. Just look at it. Admit it, it sucks. Normally, I listen to this voice without question. I feel myself sink into my chair, agreeing, Yes, this is stupid. And so am I. But the other day, as this voice came up, I just couldn't bear it any longer. And so I said to myself, I'm not going to play this game any longer.
And that's what it is. A game where I pretend I have nothing good to offer the world. A game where I pretend I'm nothing, I'm a nobody, and I will always be that way.
It's a game I play with my brain. One part of my brain gets scared. It fears all these uncertainties. And so it does everything it can to try and get me to stop. While another part of my brain, that knows nothing of this fear and is only excited, suddenly forgets everything else and agrees with this small part of me that has no vision.
It's amazing that this very tiny part of my brain can feel so BIG and POWERFUL and like it KNOWS SO MUCH.
This tiny voice likes to see if it can gain control of the show. It likes to see if I'll let it be in charge. It has no business being in charge, and it knows this. It knows there is a whole ocean of passion and power within me, and this little voice likes to try and convince me that IT is the ocean, rather than the drop.
This game has become so tedious for me. It's exhausting. And repetitive. And quite frankly, boring. Nothing interesting ever comes from playing this game with myself. The outcome is always the same. I feel lower and lower until I give up on myself. And then I wonder why things don't work out the way I want to. And then eventually I remember who I really am, and I start again, on something different. And then eventually, that little squeaky voice comes back, knowing where my fears are, planting seeds of doubt.
But I can't anymore. I can't play this game with myself. I refuse. I'm no longer going to pretend I have nothing of worth to offer this world. I'm no longer going to play mental chess with the part of me that acts out of fear and does everything in its power, including insulting me, to hold me back.
Instead, I'm going to give that small voice a hug and have a long, overdue talk with it.
I'm going to ask it when it first learned to tear me down in order to feel safe. I'm going to ask it why it feels safer criticizing me than encouraging me. And I'm going to ask it what it needs in order to give me love and support, to trust in the flow of my life, and to have fun with who I am and what I'm doing.
When the small, critical voice within me is ready to answer, I will listen with patience. I will listen with love. I will give it the love it never got, and I will remind it that self-attack is not the only way to feel safe. Self-love is another, and better, option. I will love myself so fully that what happens outside of me will be just that - things happening outside of me.
Although it's tempting to get angry with this voice, to blame it for my anxiety and my fear, I know it's just doing what I asked it to do. At some point in my life, I learned that the only way to be safe is to cut myself down before other people do. I internalized the belief that I'm not good enough, and it's only a matter of time before other people reflect this back to me, so why wait for them to say it? The other part of me, the bigger part that only wants to love me, tried to out maneuver this tricky little voice, but it was always quicker, always one step ahead, and thus, the game began.
Now that I've dropped my game pieces and walked away, that critical voice inside of me will have space to see things different. Rather than being consumed with planning its next move, it will be free to contemplate what I've known all along - I am worthy and I am loved eternally by Divine forces.
That part of me that is small and yet so LOUD will finally see that the only way I could have won that game was to lose. It was a game I was playing against myself and there was no way to come out ahead. The only way to win was to wave my white flag, surrender, and enter into peace talks with my own self.
If you need a little help getting your own thoughts off of self-defeat and onto empowerment, try this free 5 minute meditation. It's a sample from my Empowering Visualizations package, which you can learn more about here.
The following are some simple tools to keep on hand for anxious moments.
The first is a calming statement that will bring you into the present moment and help you to see things different. The second is an Inner Peace & Relief Cheat Sheet. It's a one page sheet for you to print out and keep on hand. The third is a six minute audio with empowering affirmations.
In this moment, I am safe.
I feel unsafe because of past experiences. In the past, things happened that made me feel unsafe and afraid. My brain has carried those past stories into the present, and it is distorting my perspective.
My brain is not doing this to sabotage me. In fact, it’s trying to protect me from being hurt and afraid again. But each day, I am growing stronger and my brain is learning to see things more clearly. Each day, I find more acceptance for how I feel and for the anxiety that is showing me how to love myself more. In this moment, I feel anxious, but that’s okay. It’s only for this moment. It will pass. It always does.
I just need to take a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.
Inner Peace & Relief Cheat Sheet
Download the following one page cheat sheet and print it out. If you can, fill it in by hand (rather than typing). When we write things out we take them in deeper and fuller. Hand writing also activates our brain more than typing, helping us to really get creative and find answers we didn't know were in us.
The following affirmations will reinforce and retrain your brain for confidence and empowerment. This six minute audio can be used in the morning, for a brief meditation, while driving to work, or any time you need a boost. These affirmations are for your solar plexus, which is your seat of self power. They are from the Chakra Balancing and Healing package.
I hope these offerings have helped you! If you would like to leave a small donation it will help me to keep this website going. Thank you!
Sacred Sunday Meditation
This 20 minute meditation was created for tuning into the sacred energy of Sunday. It's peaceful, calming, healing, and imbued with positive energy. It will help you to release what you're done with and energize yourself for a beautiful new week full of fresh ideas and renewed enthusiasm.
During this deeply spiritual meditation, you will enter your own private temple. Once there, you will surrender all your doubts, fears, and negative experiences. As you do this, you will receive a powerful beam of white energy that will assist in your healing and surrender.
After, you will set your intentions for the week ahead. You will focus on all the positive experiences you want to have and call them in to you. You will then offer up gratitude, anchoring in your positive intentions and feelings even deeper.
For an even deeper experience, you can get the Soulful Sundays journal to go with the meditation. With this journal, you can write out your intentions for the week, reflect, and be guided into your deepest self. Learn more about it here.
The Universe is expanding.
There is nothing more natural to the universe than growth and creation. To create, destroy, and recreate is the essence of the world we live in. The Universe creates planets, waits billions of years, smashes them into stars, destroys it all, and then once again melds all that potential into something new.
It's all in a constant state of motion. Planets are swinging around stars like children on a carnival ride. Stars are swallowing up planets and filling their bellies until they explode. Collapsed stars are reaching out with open arms, pulling everything into their black center, and then flinging it all to places and dimensions we can only dream of.
What's not natural to the universe is stagnation.
To stay fixed and unmoving goes against the energy that is constantly trying to push up, out, inwards, and out again. The energy of the Universe wants to move and dance. It wants to sway side to side and sashay back again. It wants to move and groove, and it wants to move and groove with you.
When you embrace feelings of growth and creation, you are in harmony with the Universe.
Creativity isn't always about being an artist. Sometimes the most beautiful and inspired creative work we do is with our own self. We tear down the idea of who we were, rip up the canvas of our identity, and spread a blank sheet before us. And on that sheet we paint the vibrant new Self taking birth within us.
But sometimes creativity is being an artist. Sometimes it's taking clay and squishing wet, earthy material through our fingers. Sometimes it's scribbling black, ominous lines in no particular pattern or design because that's how we feel and we must express it or suffocate. Sometimes art is planting rows of succulents in our yard, turning our homes into one giant work of self-expression.
However creativity shows up for you, embrace it. Your vitality and life force are depending on it.
There's a reason people feel incredible after they've created something. It's because the process of creation brought them into harmony with all the energy and power of the cosmos. In our moments of creation and expansion, we are flowing with the river of All That Is. We are in a state of non-resistance.
When we stop creating, stop expanding, and stop embracing the pulse of vitality, we slam up against that river.
It punches us in the gut and knocks us on our ass. And while we're knocked down, it's flowing over us, reaching a hand out, asking us to jump back in. But from down there, from that place of frozen resistance, it can look terrifying. It's moving so FAST and it's so damn POWERFUL.
The more you resist the flow of vitality, the more it can seem you want to cower down in a hole. The more it can seem you'll drown if you try to dive back in. But it only looks that way. The moment you dive back in, let go, and throw your paint across the sky, you instantly become one with the Universe. There is no delay. There isn't a nanosecond of reorienting. Because the thing is, you only believed you were separate.
The moment you dive back in, you can see the illusion clearly. You were always in the river. You were always one with it all.
It wasn't the energy of the Universe that scared you and kept you down. It was your fear of your own self. You could never be over powered by the flow of the Universe because you are the Universe. It isn't the power of the Universe that scares you. It's the power within you, waiting to unleash like a live wire.
And once you unleash it, all that scattering will focus, and your power will come into clear focus. It will focus on creating and expanding and creating more. And it will all be in harmony with you, because when you are one with the Universe, the Universe is one with you. It feels what you feel, and as you feel yes, I love this, your love explodes out and rains back down on you in a million glitter filled moments.
If it feels as if life just keeps getting harder, and nothing is going your way, make something.
Draw. Paint. Create. Push your hand through the dirt and draw a circle. Do something that allows you to express in some way. Pile up stones in a way they've never been piled before. Creation will catapult you back into alignment with the source of your existence. It will realign your energy with the energy of the Universe and unlock all the power that is trapped inside of you. The more you resist your natural need to create and expand with the Universe, the more life will resist you.
I can't wait to see what you do with your unique perspective and personality. If you want to share your creation with the world, put it below. I would love to share in the joy of your creativity with you. Because honestly, my life force is depending on it too. I need the color and beauty you add more than you know.
A few wees ago, I felt guided to listen to The Golden Thread guided meditation every day for 40 days.
I created this meditation a few years ago (it's the first one I made!), and I play it from time to time, but this was the first time I got a specific message about it: try it for 40 days in a row and see what happens.
I wasn't sure why, except for the knowing that doing something for 40 days can be a sacred and life changing experience.
Now that I'm half way through it, I'm starting to understand what this is doing for me.
Usually, when people play this meditation they have a vivid dream, either right after playing it or after a few listens. I'm 20 days in, and although I've had interesting dreams thus far, last nights' was one that really told me something special was happening. In the dream I had traveled somewhere else, somewhere I can't recall, only that it wasn't where I live.
I had two choices: go back to where I was and what I had been doing, or follow whales as they swam around the earth.
When I saw the whales I knew instantly, I would follow them, and I did. Watching them swim and traveling through the oceans was the most beautiful, open, free and happy dream I've had in a long time.
I believe part of the reason this meditation creates vivid and interesting dreams is because the imagery works on very deep levels of the psyche. There is the conscious experience you have while you play it, what you feel in your body, and then there are subconscious things happening that unfold and reveal themselves over time.
The meditation guides you to look up to see a large white cloud. Hanging from the bottom of the cloud is a beautiful golden thread. The thread comes down from the sky, weaves through your entire body, and then drops into the soil, spreading out like roots. This is a very calming and serene experience, and one that will help you to feel supported and highly energized in the present moment.