During all my years running this website, I have continually put an emphasis on the small stuff.
Appreciate the small stuff. Celebrate small steps. Make small changes for big results.
However, when it comes to knowing there is something or someone supporting me from a Higher Place, I rarely allow in small signs of support. For God or the Universe to prove it's got my back, I almost always demand a HUGE sign. Bring me a million dollars and I'll know you're real!!!
The more I demand these massive gestures of reassurance, and the more they don't show up, the more alone and afraid I feel. The more alone and afraid I feel, the more I question if anything is ever going to show up. This doubt feeds into itself, I shut down more, and what I receive slows down to a trickle, thereby digging my fear in deeper.
This morning, I was having one of those days where I just couldn't get a grip on my trust. I wanted to know when and how for everything in my life. The more I became unnerved by the idea of the unknown, the more I wanted to stop doing everything. I just wanted life to pause so that I could catch my breath. Just for a moment.
During all of this, I also finished off the last of my coffee beans. While I sipped the last cup of joe I could make before I bought more, I began trying to reconnect to my Source, to the God that is always with me and here for me.
I kept saying, "Just show me a sign. Show me you're with me. Show me you got me." The more I said these words, the more angst I felt. And then I realized - by asking God to show me a sign, I'm declaring I'm in this alone. I'm not saying, "I know you got me," and going from there. I'm saying, "I don't believe you're here, so prove you are." By the laws of the Universe, this disbelief is the only thing that can be reflected back to me.
My need for proof is the very thing that pushes its existence away.
Feeling into this, I switched my phrasing to, "I know you're here. I know you got me. I know I'm not alone. I know that even when I feel anxious like this, you're with me. Even when I'm FREAKING OUT, you're in me and around me. We're in this together." I then visualized golden rivers of energy pouring down me (something helpful I learned that I share further in my anxiety support package). I saw and felt all this beautiful energy in me and around me.
With that, I finished my coffee and began to feel better. Not okay. But better. Sometimes, better is the exact thing we need to reach for. Feeling better got me to some clarity, and with the clarity I released some deep resistance, and with the release I truly started to feel I wasn't alone. As I got more clarity on where all this fear was coming from, I headed downtown to do some stuff (like buy more coffee), and then went over to my parent's house.
And I went right past the grocery store, totally forgetting to buy my life giving coffee.
Just as I stepped inside, I remembered - the coffee! I went in the kitchen and there on the counter was a big bag of coffee beans! Say what!? I had that tingling sensation of coincidence and synchronicity.
Hawaiian Kona coffee, none the less! Way better than the kind I buy. I was surprised because neither of my parents drink coffee. I asked what it was for, and they said they'd just bought it at an auction during their Kiwanis club meeting. Without trying to seem too desperate, I asked who it was for.
They said it was for me, of course. They know I love my coffee. I stared at the big bag of beans, knowing it would make my morning so much better. Not just because I wouldn't have to pretend tea is a proper substitute for coffee. But because I had my sign. I wasn't alone. Ask and you shall receive.
It wasn't a million dollars (or was it - coffee is essential!). But that's okay. Because to God, the big stuff and the small stuff is all the same. If I can receive a bag of coffee right when I need it, I can most surely receive a million dollars. The Universe has my back. All is well.