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There is a button in my brain that I push whenever something feels uncomfortable, uncertain or out of my control. This button releases chemicals from my brain that trigger heightened feelings in my body. These feelings translate into a quickened pulse, shortened breath and tight stomach. In a word, it's anxiety. This morning I was thinking about a project I recently submitted for review. I really want this review to go well. I have been working on this project for years, but it was never quite right. Each time I submitted it, I was given a low rating and told to revise and try again. This repeated response developed a response in me in return. Now, when I think about getting my review back, I reach into my brain, scan those past experiences, and pull together an analysis that says SCARY SCARY SCARY. I remember how it felt to get my past feedback, the disappointment in not only my work, but myself, my life and my seeming inability to get it right. As I tuned into these feelings of Watch out - you've been here before and it was bad! I pushed the button. My stomach tightened up. I felt myself contract and go into a sort of survival mode, which is my way of preparing for the worst. And then I remembered - the body follows the mind. My mind is telling my body to generate these feelings. My body does not create feelings. It doesn't create emotions. Those come from the mind, are processed in the body, and then felt in overwhelming clarity. These body sensations can be so big and powerful, it can feel as if the mind isn't involved at all. But it is. It's pushing the button that starts it all. Sometimes it even pushes it over and over in a panic mode, which deepens the panic in the body, until I convince myself I have no control. But I do. I always do. And that's the magical key I've been missing all these years. This key unlocks all the strength and grace I knew I was in me, but couldn't get to. Believing I have no control over anxiety comes from a belief I have no control over my responses to the world. But if I'm not choosing how I respond, then that means I'm on autopilot. I refuse to believe this magnificent mind was designed to go into autopilot and coast, like some zombie, to my last breath.
I know I am an empowered being. I know there is enough power, wisdom and love within me to generate any thought or feeling I want at any time. I just have to accept it. Accepting I can untangle myself from anxiety does not mean I will now flip a switch and stop doing it. This change, like all change, will be a step by step process. And the first step in this was to acknowledge I'm done pushing this button. I'm ready to change. I imagined myself getting the email that my report was in. I saw my instant, habitual triggered response - anxiety. I then told myself, you are creating that feeling out of a false sense of fear. You are creating that feeling because you have conditioned yourself to believe it's the only correct response, and in fact, the ONLY response possible. But you know different. I them imagined myself calming, centering and tuning into my deepest resource of connection, inner faith and self-empowerment. I sat with that, and let that vision plant a seed. I will nurture that seed over and over until it is my new normal. After I went through this, I realized how often I react to things by pushing this button. I do it all the time. Each time I realize I'm about to do it, I will stop myself, breathe, and tell myself, This is coming from the mind. You have control over the mind - you do, you're thinking these thoughts, this is you, this is your voice, now listen to it and stop pushing that button. Breathe. Center. All is well. The thing that I have come to realize is, each time I anticipate myself pushing the button, I contract. I close myself off from my connection to higher consciousness, inspiration, and all the things that keep me at peace and grounded. In other words, my anticipation of bad things is the thing that creates the bad things. Stop pushing the button and the results will change for the better. And when I'm in the moment, way past imaginging myself pushing it, but instead pushing it in a PANIC, then I close myself off even more. I go in the opposite direction of that which I seek. Coming into awareness of this, and wanting that connection to all the magic and love that brings more magic and love, is why I have vowed, with patience and persistence, I will cease to do this. That button now has a big sign taped next to it: DO NOT PUSH. And if I do push it, then I will look at the other sign taped next to it: I love you no matter what. "I think for me, I just try to be aware that in some ways it's an indication that I'm in the right place.
I think that the fear is informing me that I'm in the place where the known is ending and the unknown is beginning. That is our job, to consistently put ourselves in a position where we're uncomfortable and going beyond our comfort zone. It's very much a relationship of call and response... A little pebble is put out in front of you and you gotta step toward it. And with each step you're hopefully going further out, and getting beyond what you've done before, and exploring territory that is yet to have been explored. You have to really make friends with that fear and that discomfort. It's a bit of a tightrope walk." - Mahershala Ali, via The Hollywood Reporter "When you think a thought that rings true with who you really are, you feel harmony coursing through your physical body.
Joy, love, and a sense of freedom are examples of that alignment. And when you think thoughts that do not ring true with who you really are, you feel the disharmony in your physical body. Depression, fear, and feelings of bondage are examples of that misalignment. In the same way that sculptors mold clay into the creation that pleases them, you create by molding Energy. You mold it through your power of focus - by thinking about things, remembering things, and imagining things. You focus the Energy when you speak, when you write, when you listen, when you are silent, when you remember, and when you imagine - you focus it through the projection of thought. Like the sculptors who, with time and practice, learn to mold the clay into the precise desired creation, you can learn to mold the Energy that creates worlds through focus of your own mind. And, like the sculptors who, with their hands, feel their way as they re-create their vision - you will use your emotions to feel your way to Well-Being." - Ask & It Is Given, Esther & Jerry Hicks Lately, I’ve been wanting to write about a line. It’s a line I’ve envisioned in my head to keep me from spinning out, from distressing myself with images or thoughts that don’t exist. I often think there is some pre-determined path I’m on where I have no say. I think I’m going to be mugged at any moment. I think about car accidents, terminal illness, or that I’m going to lose the people I love prematurely. I think I’m going to be late to work, that my room is never going to look right, or that I’m not organized enough. I think too far into the future, and even further into the past. This is what I call spinning. I don’t always realize I’m spinning until the world becomes a blur and I’m too dizzy to walk. It’s hard to pin point exactly how out of control my thought processes can sometimes be because this spinning happens so frequently, it’s part of my day, of who I am. But I want it to stop. So I’ve drawn a line. I see it in my head. It’s comfortable. It’s straight, it’s firm, and it’s steady. It’s my rope, only softer. Or sometimes it’s a warm open road. When I hold onto it, or when I walk across it, I feel safe, like I’m right at the center of my being, like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and the wind isn’t going to blow me away to some unknown place where I am paranoid and afraid. Anywhere outside of this line, be it two feet to the left or six miles to the right, is where I’m spinning. I’m spinning away from that warm, straight and narrow, off into places known only in my head, places that are typically cold with no light. I’ve started to recognize this spinning in my life now more than ever before. When I feel like it starts to happen, I hold fast to the line. It’s comfortable, it reminds me of where I am, and keeps me tethered to one place when I’m off on paranoid flights of fancy. My feelings of anxiety or paranoia disappear. My heart slows, and I’m able to carry on drinking coffee, loving life, and blogging about ‘line therapy’. I'm sure everyone has their own version of this line, some image or vision they think about that calms them and brings them back to center. The line is mine. Its steadiness is comforting and peaceful, reminding me that yes, awful things are bound to happen, but that they can be dealt with as they happen, and not a moment before. Especially when those awful things have been fabricated entirely by me, and don’t actually exist. The mind can be tricky like that, but in the same way it tricks you into believing in things that don’t exist, surely it can trick you into believing that these paranoid, awful things will never exist. Wouldn’t that be great? |