Grit is living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint. - Angela Duckworth I've recently been listening to the audiobook Grit by Angela Duckworth, which I highly recommend for anyone who's either trying to find purpose in their life, or cultivate the strength to succeed with the purpose they feel called to. It has so many insightful and motivating things in it, but it's not your typical motivational book. In fact, it's more of an exploration of why people have grit, or the capacity to continue on in the face of adversity. Through this exploration, there are many stories that helped me to see, first of all, what it is in me that keeps me going and facing challenges, and also, what it is in other people that I don't have (but want) that gets them to continually rise back up and overcome obstacles. One thing in the book that struck me was a discussion on what makes us feel hopeful and what makes us feel hopeless. The author has a PhD in psychology, and therefore is aware of and shares a vast array of psychological studies. One of them was on this subject of feeling hopeful or hopeless. What she shared is that a hopeful feeling comes from a sense of feeling you can control something. When you feel hopeless, it's because you feel you've lost all control. I never connected these two feelings before, and I was only able to see this in my own life because I have recently begun feeling I can control something. I have learned, through a regular meditation practice, that I can control my feelings. I can control how I respond to things. Basically, I have let go of trying to control my outside world and have put all my eggs in the basket of my inner world. And don't you know, I have been feeling so optimistic and hopeful lately that it's like I'm seeing a new world. Angela shares that feeling hopeful is crucial in being someone that overcomes obstacles and setbacks. She also shares that for many people, the feeling that they can't control something comes from negative self talk that speaks as if these states are permanent. E.g. "I am a loser" is a permanent state. When you think this, you believe it's fixed - it's out of your control. It just is. On the flip side, when we phrase things in a way that tells us we can grow and change, we feel we have CONTROL, which makes us feel hopeful, such as, "I feel like a loser because my presentation went bad. However, with public speaking classes, I can master this skill and succeed." Next time you are feeling things are utterly hopeless and you are stuck where you are, ask yourself to find something you can control. You can always control something. As I've learned, you can control your thoughts. You can trade a negative one for a positive one. You can control what your body is doing. You can stand up and go for a little walk when you feel stressed. You could even jump up and WHOOP for no reason at all. I'm not say you will. But you could. At the very least, you can control your breathing. Right now, you can take a deep breath in at will. You can hold it. And you can decide when to let it out. Take another deep breath. Focus on it. That's you doing that. That's something you can control. When you feel you can control your happiness, or your stress, you become more confident in your ability to keep going. This does not change the obstacles you face, but rather gives you the courage and willingness to keep going. You don't try to change what others are doing, or how the world responds to you or views you, but rather you change how you feel and what you believe, and you go from there. This, in turn, makes you feel hopeful. And when you're hopeful, you find a way. When you're feeling hopeless, you give up. So keep coming back to the hopeful. Keep coming back to your breath, that beautiful thing within you that you can control. You can do so much more than you believe you can. As I've learned through this book, the capacity to keep going, to find your grit, is more important than your talent, intelligence and education combined. In other words, it doesn't matter if people seem more qualified than you. What matters is that you keep going. Successful people are simply people who never gave up. For more on Angela and her book Grit visit her website. You can take her grit quiz there and find out how your grittiness compares to others on average. Not feeling you have so much grit? Don't worry about it. Remember, who you are not is a fixed thing. You can change. You can grow. You can evolve. You just have to talk to yourself in a way that affirms growth. I may not feel gritty now, but with a meditation practice, I can master these negative thoughts, and that will make me more resilient.
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I woke up this morning at 5 AM full of nervous energy. I had barely gone to sleep a few hours earlier, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to get myself back to sleep. I could feel the wave of panic coming, and it was so strong I thought I was going to be sick. I can't do this. I could feel it, deep in my gut. I couldn't do this. I wasn't ready. Why had I agreed to this? I suddenly realized I hadn't made any sort of sign for my booth. I felt my stomach seize up in pain. How could I forget something so obvious? How would people know what I was doing? They wouldn't. Therefore, nobody would come. That seemed even worse than the idea that someone would come, and I would have to speak, clearly and confidently, about who I was and what I was doing. I can't do this. I had agreed, a few weeks prior, to lead students in meditation at an event at the local University. This would be my first paid event, and in the weeks leading up to it, I felt grateful and excited. I could do this! Or could I? When I woke up in panic, I kept thinking about how many factors would be beyond my control. I had never led meditations in public before. What if the venue was too loud and no one could hear me? What if my mind went blank and I didn't know what to say? What if I said weird stuff and people walking by heard me? What if... what if... what if.... STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Breathe. I knew the first thing to do was to stop making it all about me. I was showing up to share meditation with college students, hopefully so that their lives would be less stressful and more adventerous, creative and fulfilling. Introducing people to meditaiton could have real, positive long-term benefits. This wasn't about my fears and insecurities. It was about sharing something. Giving away what I know, and receiving first of all payment in return, and second of all a sense of connection and expansion in my journey. I was doing this for them and for me. I would gain something and so would they. But at the same time, I had to remind myself I was not doing this for their approval. Showing up to offer something I believe in is a lot different than showing up so people will tell me they love what I do. I can show up and share. I can't control what happens beyond that. I had to let go of my desire to have a specific result. Whatever happens happens. As I laid in bed I began to repeat the word trust. I trust myself. I trust in this world. I trust the Universe. I trust the forces that brought me this opportunity. I trust in who I am and who I'm becoming. I trust. I trust. I trust. With each reiteration of the word trust I felt better. I began to remember the other things I'd done that had scared me. I had once MC'd a spirituality fair. Each time I got on the microphone to introduce somebody and I heard my voice boom out through the auditorium my mouth would go dry and my eyes widen with panic. I was afraid for the first hour they were going to fire me, which would have been extra horrifying considering I was a volunteer. I had once done an open mic reading of my own work, and while on stage, my whole body visibly shook with fear. I had made YouTube videos, even though I would break out in sweat when I thought about people seeing and hearing me. It's kind of scary to be seen. To be heard. To step into your own light and come out of the shadows. I thought of all those moments, and I imagined I went back to myself then. I hugged myself and told myself, "Thank you." Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being willing to learn and make mistakes. Thank you for being willing to be unsure and vulnerable. Thank you for being unbelievably brave and shaking with fear as you stepped outside your comfort zone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was in the trust. I was in the gratitude. I can do this. I could do this. I would do this. I want to do this, because no matter what happens, it's better than laying in bed all day, dreaming and hoping. Hopes and dreams are beautiful. But there comes a time you have to get out of your pajamas, cast aside the nerves, and make those dreams happen. All it takes is one step after another. Today I will take a step. And one day, many weeks or months or even years from now, I will look back on this and imagine I'm hugging myself, saying, Thank you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for taking a chance on yourself. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Recently, I have been thinking a lot about what strength and courage look like.
I have been reflecting on the moments when I was the strongest, the most courageous, or when I did something that amazed me. Looking back, it wasn't the moments when I spoke boldly and felt confident. It also wasn't when I finally accomplished a big goal. When I look back, one of my most courageous moments was the first time I called someone to pitch a screenplay. My heart was racing, I stumbled over my words, and I felt completely unprepared. And I was. I wasn't ready at all. The script I pitched wasn't ready, but I had no way of knowing it then. My skills were still too rough. I had no faith in myself as a writer, and yet, I did it anyways. And that amazes me. That person who did that, she makes me so proud, which is incredible, because afterwards, after that phone call, I felt naive and incapable. I felt like a loser. I was utterly disappointed in myself and my potential. I wanted to quit. I had no idea that I would look back on that moment and gain inspiration and courage from it over and over in the future. There were many times after that when I thought, I'm not going to make it. I was tired of the rejection and the doubt and fear. I was tired of living for tomorrow, always hoping tomorrow would bring good news. And in those moments I thought, I have no strength to go on. When I felt I couldn't even crawl a step further, those were the moments I felt the most broken and weak, and those were also the times when I dug my nails in and pulled myself an inch further forward. That inch cultivated more strength and resilience in me than the miles I'd traversed before it. Clawing my fingers into the soil of my path, and dragging my tired spirt on, pulled up inner resources of strength and tenacity I didn't know I had. I earned that dirt below my nails. I earned those scrapes on my knees and elbows from where I crawled over rocks and sticks, unwilling to admit defeat. Where the scrapes healed and turned to scars, the skin became tougher. And the next time I reached that point of I can't I knew I was lying to myself. I could, because I had done it before, and I would again and again, growing stronger and more courageous each time. Grit, that inner iron will that says I am unstoppable, only grows when we we think we can't go on... and then do. I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan What would you try if you knew you couldn’t fail? This question is often used as a way to motivate and inspire people to follow their dreams. However, I see this question as counter-effective. It only reinforces that failure is the absolute worst thing that can happen to you or to anyone. It’s a reminder of how absolutely terrified we are of failure, and further, how unprepared we are for it when it happens. Being terrified of something and feeling unprepared for it tends to result in one thing: we feel overpowered and want to retreat and hide. Here’s a question I would love to see asked instead: What would you try if you knew failure was just a bump in the road? I would love for us to encourage each other not to see failure as something so awful and massive it’s unbearable, but rather as something we can learn to navigate. The most successful people in this world are not successful because they never fail. Rather, they learn to move through pitfalls, process the feelings associated with them, and to remember that they are not endings. There are times these feelings can seem like definitive, this is it! endings, such as when we lose our jobs or a marriage ends in divorce. What makes those moments so heavy, so final, is the emotional feelings that come with them that we believe define us and our lives. For example, when we lose our job it’s easy to fall into a deep pit of insecurity. We forget how accomplished and intelligent we are and instead focus on our shame and guilt. When I first began writing, everything I wrote was rejected. I felt I had failed and was devastated. However, when I tried to talk to people about how I felt like a complete loser, how embarrassed I was, and how scared I was to go on they couldn’t understand me. They felt that put my writing out there was a huge achievement. They didn’t see failure at all, but rather courage and determination. It took me a long time to realize they were right. Their perspective on my situation was both valid and helpful. This is the thing with failure – it’s entirely perspective based. We give it any meaning it has, and when we give it meaning we give it power and grow it in our minds exponentially. A small rock group might have a debut album that sells 50,000 albums, which far exceeds their wildest dreams and they celebrate their success. At the same time, an established popstar might have an album that sells 100,000 copies, and it’s deemed a failure. Which is true? Are they both successes? Are they both failures? How about neither. How about it doesn’t mean anything, and what matters is that they feel they created from their heart and with passion. Further still, things seen as failures in the moment sometimes just need time to pan out. “Sleeping Beauty” did not begin as a beloved Disney movie. It was a box office disappointment. Van Gogh was not a famous painter in his day but was instead supported by his brother. “The Great Gatsby” confused people when it debuted and was never expected to be a literary classic. Failure terrifies and hurts us because we are so committed to the idea that it can and it should. Our need to outright deny it as the only way we can chase our dreams only reinforces its power over us. These days, I motivate myself by telling myself that what matters is how much I'm growing. Did I learn from that thing didn't work out? Did I grow as a person? Great! Then that means it was an enriching and expansive experience. Learning not to let outside circumstances define me is an ongoing process. I am still learning to choose to feel worthy and capable no matter what. I’ve learned that failure isn’t something I need to hide from like a monster under the bed. Each and every time it shows up, I have the power to look it in the face and remind myself that it's not important. My only goal in life is not to avoid failure. My goals are to create, to express myself, to grow my mind and heart. Let us not chase our dreams trembling in fear of failure, but not expecting it either. Let us go forward simply knowing if it does happen, it doesn’t define us. It’s not an ending. It's a chance to learn and grow, and isn't that what makes life enriching anyways? Living only for success means we're living for approval. We, as humans, are alive for so much more than that. We're living to create technology that transforms lives. We're living to create art that dives into what it means to be alive. We're living to try things and feel what it means to soar high and tumble down and then rise back up again. We're living for all of it, because all of it is life. Have you ever thought to yourself, Wow, if only there hadn't been Prince AND David Bowie. They're both so talented and I hate having to choose like that! But that's the way life is, I have to put my loyalties in one until the day I die and that's all there is to it. You've never thought that, right? Why would you? The world is better off for having had two very different and yet equally expressive people in it. Both shared something that uplifted people. Both were true to who they felt themselves to be - but in totally different ways. Both created brilliant music. There was enough room for both. More than enough. And if there hadn't been, the world would've made room because we are all in a constant state of expansion. But somehow we get it in our heads there's not enough room. We convince ourselves that rather than making the world better by adding our unique vision, color, and stripes to it, we're actually elbowing out someone else. Our win is someone else's loss. Or worse still, we will never win because everything is already too crowded so we should give up. This is something I have an inner battle with all the time. I know my work is unique, and rather than seeing that as a good thing, I see it as something I should fret over. I build this inner worry in me and protect it like it's a precious flower, when in fact, it's only blocking the light and putting shadows over the things trying to grow. There is never, ever a need to worry there aren't enough opportunities, clients, fans, resources, for all of us to do what we do. I learned to meditate from other people. No two people taught me the same thing, I took in different things from different people. So if everyone shared something important with me, then surely it's a good thing they all showed up and bravely shared their gifts, even if it appeared someone was already doing what they wanted to (and people were doing it, but not in their unique way). There are so many people who influenced me and got me excited about what guided meditations can do for a person. Two of my favorites are Kelly Howell and Meditation Oasis (by Mary and Richard Maddux). I have never once thought, Yikes, I just wish I hadn't found Kelly AND Meditation Oasis. Life would be so much simpler! In fact, it's the opposite. I'm so glad I found both because both were influential in my healing and expansion. I took in a lot from them, and I then created something different and shared from my own unique perspective. Not only is there room enough for Kelly and Meditation Oasis (and me too!), but there are plenty of people to support and enjoy both. Oh, but what about Deepak? Did his rise take customers away from them? And what about Gabrielle Bernstein and others who make meditations? And what about people who want to be actresses, musicians, artists, business owners? How can we all make it!!?? We can because we are all in a state of flow. Today I might buy a CD from Deepak. Tomorrow it might be from someone I've never heard of before. What we want, need and seek out is always evolving, and our growth is what allows all different types to succeed and grow with us. It's pretty amazing when you think about. So next time you're thinking there's too much competition to do what you do, that there's too many people already doing it, it's been done, that your win is someone else's loss, just remind yourself that these are false perceptions. A false perception would be that because Tony Robbins exists no more motivational speakers are needed. However, it doesn't matter if someone like Tony Robbins is already doing his thing on a massive scale. He's doing it his way, you'll do it your way. He's Prince. You're David Bowie. Or maybe there's no comparison at all. Maybe he's Friends and you're the X-Files. Or he's Avatar and you're the little indie movie that touched someone's heart at the exact moment they needed it. All different expressions are important and welcome. Also, keep in mind he didn't start on the level he is. Young Tony could have just as easily looked around at what other people were doing, let's say Young Oprah, and thought the world just didn't need him trying to elbow his way in there. We all know that's not true of course. The world needed him. The world needs you. The world needs me. Remind yourself of this often. Think of all the different people you've been drawn to, followed, supported and opened up to in order to help you further take it in - there's enough room for everyone to be who they are, do what they do, sell what they sell, and create what they create. Not only is there enough room, but there is a void left when you don't do what it is your heart is calling you to do. There's this phrase that has become so synonymous with a spiritual and zen approach to life that I hear it all the time now. I'm sure you've heard it. Maybe you've even said it. It's the thing we say or think when we didn't get what we wanted, or it didn't turn out how we thought it should. It just wasn't meant to be. This phrase, or some similar spin on it, i.e. Well, only a few people showed up, but they were the people who were meant to - or - I wanted to sell more, but I trust I sold the amount I was meant to, has become our de rigueur response to setbacks. This phrasing is meant to be a signal to the Universe that we trust in the process. We trust that things are working out for us. But you know how it often comes across? It comes across like giving up. It comes across as just accepting things, as they are. It's like saying, "Hey, that didn't work out and I AGREE THAT IT SHOULDN'T HAVE." Whoa. Hold up. You don't ever have to agree that it's okay for your dreams and hopes to be dashed. Listen up friend. You are the creator of your life. You can accept or reject anything at anytime. You don't ever to have accept, like you are some feather blowing in the wind, that this is it. When you don't get what you want, let it be known. Embrace that you're disappointed, feel into that, which can feel quiet vulnerable, and give it a big ole freakin' hug. Let the Universe know, "Hey, I know you're out there, and I know you hear me. The thing is, I really had my heart set on that. Show me in perfect clarity why that didn't line up. Show me what was going on in my subconscious. And then show me what inspired steps I can take to get where I was had envisioned!" The reason this phrase feels like giving up is because people aren't infusing it with the feeling of what they really want. Rather than saying to myself, "It wasn't meant to be," when I don't get what I was expecting, I tell myself, "That didn't work out how I wanted. I'm going to get clear on why, and take the necessary steps in order to get something closer to what I wanted." Nine out of ten times, things don't work out for me for two reasons:
As an example, I recently sent in a screenplay to an agent I really REALLY wanted to work with. I never heard back from her, and I began to wonder what had happened. Here's the moment where I might say to myself, "It just wasn't meant to be." But I don't believe in doing that. I believe in trust and letting go and letting God, full on, don't get me wrong. But I also believe that I am the creator of my life. So when that happened, I sat down to reflect. I realized I was still scared of things actually working out because I would feel incredibly far out of my comfort zone. With that realization, I was able to work with my fears, to acknowledge them so that they could rise up and clear out. If I simply told myself, "It wasn't meant to be," I would've missed out on some much needed insight. I would have missed the opportunity to re-infuse my goal with excitement and passion. After stepping back, I breathed new life into all the reasons why I'd started writing that script in the first place. Free falling through my disappointment and fear around the experience was difficult, but it allowed me to get to the root of my own limiting feelings, set them free, and then set my dream on fire again. When I think to myself, It wasn't meant to be, I feel blasé, even apathetic. These words are NOT the energy of excitement and passion. And if what you want is something that lights you up, then you've got to match that vibration. By just declaring, "Oh well, that one wasn't for me," I would continue to get the same results. Which I don't want. So I rejected the rejection, cleared the energy slate, and thought about why I want this. I thought about what makes me excited and energized about writing. Be clear about what you're telling yourself and why you're doing it. And then, adjust accordingly. This is your life. You are the creator of your life. Please stop giving your power away in a false sense of surrender. True surrender is a beautiful thing, but let's stop idolizing pseudo surrender, which is defeating. Own those moments of disappointment, feel how courageous you are, and let that drive you forwards. Next time the outcome falls far short of what you were envisioning, try something like this instead, "It WAS meant to be. I deserve all the good things I can dream of and MORE. I will work with my fears and doubts so that I no longer feel I'm being let down. This disappointment showed up to show me something about myself - but it's not the final word. Listen up world, it IS meant to be, and I'm asking you to fulfill my original request, as it was or in a surprising way, and then some! |