I have been working through this fear, and I know it's a fear a lot of people struggle with. It's the fear of putting my work, my creations, my passions out to the world, and then realizing I did not make the world a better place. This is a fear I face from both an artistic and an entrepreneurial standpoint. I know that other artists feel this fear. Those that create a business, a dream from within of what they know is their unique gift, they share in this fear too. In our hearts, we all want to believe that our creations will add color to the spectrum of life. We hope that our work sparks something in other people. Something that might start a conversation that needs to be had. Something that lights a fire in someone else, a person who was experiencing their own inner fire dimming of life. Something that wasn't there before, and because we breathed life into it, it has spread wings and flown right where it was supposed to. We hope and we pray that what we create will enrich the world. That it reaches people and they think, Yes... thank you. That's exactly what I needed. But deep down, I am always fearful that what I create will be more of a dark stain. It's the fear that says I won't get it right, I'll upset people, I'll even hurt people by sharing something that sounded good to me, but came across more like I let my dog take a shit in their yard. I know I shouldn't compare my work to dog shit. But sometimes I do. Telling myself over and over to believe in myself and think positive can get frustrating. Downright annoying when it's not helping. And really, truly, when I'm feeling alone and lost, it just pisses me off. It makes me feel the energy within me closing down, the doors of my inner world slamming shut, as I wrestle with this doubt and fear. Instead of repeating what hasn't worked, which is the repeating of, "I am good, I am worthy," I have begun working on a new way to work through this fear. And I know I will work through it. I know because I have made a choice to, and I know that's all life is. Choices. One after another. I choose to feel this fear. I choose to acknowledge it's here. I choose to look at this fear and say hello. I choose to to look at this fear and say goodbye. Goodbye fear. I chose to create you, for many reasons that seemed logical at the time. And now I choose to release you. What I choose to focus on instead is the love. Hello Love. I've missed you. I choose to hold you so tight now you and I become one, and you're all I know. It always comes back to this. To choosing the love over the fear. When the fear is taking over, I remind myself that behind every desire and intention I have is love. I am not trying to create from a place of anger or hate. When I envision one of my screenplays being made into a movie, I feel excitement for the actors and hope that the patrons enjoy the movie. I don't create these visions with the intention that my vision destroy someone else's life. And yet, this is the kind of fear that seeps in. I begin to wonder, what if my script is made, and the movie bombs? What if I ruin someone's career? What if people lose a lot of money on my idea? What if people feel they wasted their time seeing my terrible movie? What if I - And then I stop myself. I stop and refuse to let this train chug even an inch further. I stop, I breathe, and I remind myself, my intentions come from a place of love. First of all, because I am love. If I am love, if I am created from the same Universe that I pray to every night, the Universe that I believe with my whole being is an infinite source of love, then how could I ever dream something up that isn't, at it's core, love? I AM LOVE. Love is powerful. If love is behind everything I do, then all of my worries really are unfounded. All I'm sharing is love. All I'm doing is adding more love to the world. It's just little ole me reaching into myself, to my divine inspiration, my connection to my higher self, and pulling back things I flow into the world. Which is actually kind of amazing. Love is the bird soaring with ease and grace through the sky. Love is the sunset that reminds you how beautiful this world is. Love is the feeling of expansion. Freedom. Happiness. Love is everything good, and if love is good, then what I create, no matter how it's received by other people, is and always will be good. There is no need to fear my creations and dreams. They are love. I am love. You are love. We're all love, and it's all good.
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Lately I have been practicing using a new phrase. You may have heard it before, it's not actually a new phrase - I'm just new to using it. I started because I've been having a hard time letting things go. I want to know WHEN and HOW. I'm getting caught up in the making it happen, which usually results in nothing happening. I wanted to get back to the allowing, but I felt like I had fallen down a well and there was no rope to climb back out on. The more I've been falling into these angsty feelings of control and doubt, the more I can feel myself contracting. The more I contract, the more I'm not receiving, and that just makes me more angsty, like I'm coiling up tighter and tighter. As I looped round and round in this, I decided to change the wording. I know what I want, but now I'm asking for this or something better. If I don't get it, no big deal. Something better will come along. This or something better Whew! That took so much pressure off. I felt like I could breathe again, and like I opened a window to fresh air for the first time in months. I had found my rope, and I was climbing back out of the narrow confines of angst. If you are spinning around in your own head, try using this phrase. It might be just what you need in order to relax, let it go to a higher source, and let in the inspiration, support and energy you need. "I want this apartment, but I'm letting it go, because I know I'll get this or something better." "I would LOVE to get that job, but I'm not worried about it, because I know I'll get it, this or something better." "I really really really super duper want to manifest a million dollars, but whatevs, because if I don't get it, I'll get something even better." You probably already know the name M. Night Shyamalan, but if not, he's the director of The Sixth Sense, which was followed by two other successful (though not quiet as profitable) films - Unbreakable and Signs. After this, things took an ill-fated turn, and continued to get more grim with each movie he made. The lowest rated of them is The Last Airbender, which has an aggregated score of 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's pretty brutal. During his post-2006 run of critical and box office failures, a campaign started online to send Shyamalan back to film school. When I read about this, I thought about how that would feel if it was me, and needless to say, it felt like shit. It would be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, for me to read that kind of mockery and criticism and continue on. But M. Night Shyamalan pushed that aside and continued on. This is something I find inspiring and fascinating about him. For a lot of people, their worst fear is to fail. An even bigger fear is to fail publicly, and to be humiliated on a grand scale. I'm sure, some of those people (or maybe most) who fear failure more than death are the ones who attack Shyamalan. He triggers their deepest anxieties about life and their sense of self-worth. The fact that he refuses to see failure as a stopping point upsets people in ways they can't explain. It makes them question their own fortitude, willpower and sense of self. This might sound like I'm analyzing people I don't know, but from what I've seen time and again, things don't bother people unless it feels personal to them. Things don't sink in and sting and rile us up unless we either agree it's true about ourselves, or we fear it could be true. So the fact that people are so relentlessly obsessed with cutting Shyamalan down says as much about them as it does about the director's career. Everything we do and say is a reflection of ourselves. There is a tendency to think that failure and criticism doesn't hurt famous and/or rich people the way it hurts everyone else. There's almost an expectation that not only does it hurt them less, but they deserve it in some way, like they should have to "pay" for being so successful. In truth, a painful experience is not dulled because of your success. In many cases, it's the opposite. Your failure is witnessed, talked about, digested, made fun of and examined by MILLIONS of people. If success softened the blow of failure, criticism and judgement, we would not bear witness to a multitude of celebrities having mental breakdowns, addiction problems and public meltdowns. But, the thing with success is, whoever you were before, that's who you are after. If you are sensitive now, you will be sensitive when you're rich. If you feel defensive when people criticize you now, you will feel that when you're famous, and at a higher level of intensity. So if you have big dreams, the time to cultivate inner strength, peace and self-worth is now. It will not get easier later, but in fact, may only get harder as you find yourself in a new arena that triggers things in other people. Which is what makes Shyamalan such an intriguing person to me. There is something about him that is so centered, so inwardly connected, so tuned into his passions above all else, that he can rise above the chorus of boos and negativity. He is a man that has never let outside circumstances dictate his fate. He has never let other people tell him what's possible, and who he should be. He has never let failure tell him he's not worthy of trying again. He knows that the only thing stopping him is him. This is a rare thing in this world. Most of us stop before we've even started. He has hit obstacles the size of which I cannot even fathom. But he sees them as just that - obstacles, challenges to be met.
They don't mean anything other than to find another way. The last Shyamalan film I saw was The Visit. And I liked it. A lot. I didn't even know he directed it until I was talking to a friend about it afterwards. It was creepy and surprising and made good use of what looked like a low budget. And maybe this is what Shyamalan needed - to have the excess stripped away, to have to work with a small amount of money, so he would be forced to focus on his characters and storytelling. I'm sure it was an incredible learning experience for him. And also, very humbling. But had he given up, had he let the cruelty that often accompanies being a public figure get to him, he would have missed out on making this surprisingly good comeback film. And I would've missed out too. Not just on enjoying an entertaining little film, but I would've missed out on what this taught me about resilience, persistence and embracing the art of failure. Cheers to you M. Night Shyamalan. Haters gonna hate. But you're having a blast in this journey of life, and doing it in your own way, and for that, I raise my glass in a toast to you. I think of you and your work when I feel afraid of failure, and I then remember the only thing to be afraid of is my own inner voice, and for that, I thank you. You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. - Steve Jobs There are times in my life when I get swept away by doubt and worry. It always feels like I've swum a bit too far out in the ocean when there's an undertow. I try to tell myself I'm fine, I can get back to shore at anytime. But the more I fight, the more I seem to be moving further away from safety. The further away I drift, and the more the shore shrinks, the more fatigued I get, until I give in, letting the current pull me down into the dark depths of fear, hopelessness and sometimes even despair. Afterwards, I always wish I'd stopped this before it got so out of control. What did I achieve by allowing myself to be consumed by worry? Nothing in my life has ever been made better by worrying. Nor has anything ever improved because I fed my fears and sense of limitation. After experiencing this enough times, I decided I needed to always have a lifeline to shore. I needed a constant tether to my heart. It's my mind that whisks me away, and it is my heart that always rescues me. When I feel my mind tempting me, just asking me to come out a little further, telling me it's natural, it's where I belong, it's familiar, I don't even consider testing the waters. I pull on that rope and go right back to the warm, sandy beach. There is only one way that has ever worked for me for this. It's very simple, and sometimes the simplicity of it is what keeps other people from doing it. All I do is repeat the word trust in my mind. Slowly, gently, softly. Trust. Trust. Trust. If it feels right, I put my hands on my heart as I do this. I breathe deep. I close my eyes and put all of my focus on that one word, repeating. Trust. Trust. Trust. As I relax and let go of all that unnecessary mental gymnastics, the mantra usually grows. I trust myself. I trust the Universe. I trust what I don't see. I trust God. I trust God sees me, and is working for me, and it's all coming together. I trust. I trust. I trust. I trust I'm good enough. I trust I will know what step to take next. I trust all is well. If you are struggling to overcome your own lingering doubts and fears, try this exercise. It's very simple, and in my experience, so reassuring. You can even make it a part of your meditation practice, which will layer the trust inside of you deeper and deeper each time you do it. As Steve Jobs said, there are few things more powerful than trusting in forces, whatever those might be for you, that you can't see. |